Love Letter For No One

Dear you,

One day I'm going to meet you.

I think you're someone who's a bit like me - someone who loves Harry Potter to pieces, someone who dances like silly, someone who sings to himself when he thinks no one is looking. And yet you're just as different from me as the next person - you're a lot cheerful than I am, you walk with confidence, you pronounce words a bit differently. I don't even know if you like basketball. Or junk foods. I don't know how many siblings you have, or how many relationships you've gone through.

One day I'm going to meet you.

I think you're very attractive. I don't mean just physical attractiveness - you're attractive in a way that makes me want to know you more. You're interesting and funny and I'll never be bored when I'm with you.

One day I'm going to meet you.

Maybe you'll be wearing that thin black tie over white long-sleeved polos and jeans. You might be in a knit cap. You might be holding a book. Maybe you'll be in those glasses you rarely wear.

I know one day I'm going to meet you.

Thinking about that day fills me with thrill and anticipation. Maybe I should be more scared than elated, but why should I be terrified of someone, the mere thought of whom makes my heart smile?

Someday I'm going to meet you. Not when I'm ready for you; I don't think I'll ever be ready to be with someone like you. Not when I most need you; I want to be with you not because I need you, but because you are you.

One day I'm going to meet you. And when I do, I'm going to make sure you'll fall in love with me, too. :)


Love, Me

Hurry, I'm falling, I'm falling...

"When she was with him, time stood still. Every cliché she'd ever heard about love made complete sense."

This Is A Story Of A Girl...

“You have a horrible sense of time, did you know that?”

“Sige na, kid. This won’t take long, I promise.”

“Why couldn’t you have told me about this earlier? At school? At the jeep? While we’re eating lugaw?! How important is your kwento ba that it can’t wait until tomorrow?! Koi, madaling araw na kaya? I have a graded recitation tomorrow. If Nanay sees me on the phone…”

“Will you shut up first so that I can finish my story?”

Sigh. I’m not entirely sure I want to hear this story. “Fine. Fire away.”

“Kid, I can always count on you to be honest with me, right?”

Grunt.

“Okay. Do you think Julia really likes me?”

“Julia? Who the hell is Julia?” As if I don’t already know who Julia is.

“Apple. Do you think Apple really likes me?”

“Oh, so now you’re on real first name basis already? Does she call you Francis now? Don’t worry, you’ll always be Kiko to me.”

“Will you stop with your side comments? I’m serious, kid. I don’t know what to do about this. I haven't thought of anything but her. I haven’t felt this way since…”

What in heaven’s name is that?! “Haven’t felt this way since…? Who are you kidding? You never had a girlfriend before!”

“No, kid. You see, back in high school…”

“Wait a minute! You mean to tell me you had a girlfriend back then and you never told me?! When did this happen?!!

“Ssh, kid, let me…”

“Don’t shush me! Wait, I know. I bet it was in second year when we had that nasty fight and you spent a lot of time with Carole…”

“No! Carole’s not my type, she’s…”

“Yeah right. Okay, it was in third year when you hang out with Mike’s group. They had really corrupted you…”

“Hey! I distinctly remember you swooning over Mike’s ‘mysterious eyes’…”

Did he have to remind me of that?! “That was before he two timed Michelle with Melai…”

“Whatever Michelle told you back then is not true…”

“Fine. So tell me about that precious anonymous girlfriend of yours in high school who’s so significant you couldn’t even tell your best friend who she is…”

“Baby…”

“Don’t call me that!”

“I have the better right to call you baby than your moron boyfriend Christian…”

"For the last time he is not my boyfriend!”

“And why do you let him call you “baby”?!”

“None of your business.”

"Oy! So now you're not my business?!”

Shit. “Well, it feels good to be called something special…”

“I call you ‘kid’. Isn’t that special enough?”

My God. Why can’t we ever have a normal conversation? “You know what? I want to go to sleep now. I don’t want to discuss anymore anything about Ju-li-a or that first girlfriend of yours…”

“Hey kid! You’re the one who started this!”

The nerve! “I started this?! You’re the one who called me in the first place!”

“Fine, I give up!”

“Fine.”

“Why do you have to be so stubborn?!”

“Why did you keep secrets from me?”

“I’m truly sorry I ever had this conversation with you. Go prepare for your recitation. Don’t stay up too late. Night, kid.”

How dare he hang up on me! I’ll never ever speak to him again. I’ll have him banned from this house. I hope he got injured on his game tomorrow. I hope Apple dump him big time. What did he ever see on that girl?! Stupid people!

to be continued…

(my attempt at writing a short story after a long time. wholly unedited version of this fictional conversation going through my mind. I’m not exactly sure where I want this story to go or if I can really follow through. I don’t even have a name yet for my protagonist! hope you like it. =p)

Leave Me Alone

"...umuwi ka na baby
di na ako sanay ng wala ka
mahirap ang mag-isa
at sa gabi’y hinahanap hanap kita..."


I often wonder if you’re not that too far from me, because you keep on visiting me in my dreams. Does these nocturnal wanderings represent your truest intentions, or does it show only my heart’s deepest desires?

I don’t want to keep on looking in your eyes and see my own resolve crumble. I don’t want to see you struggle all the time to understand that the best thing for us is to, and to always, be apart from each other.

All I ever wanted is to be with you, but I can’t help myself. I have to run away.


Our love story works better if we are not together.

Death Of A Star

I imagined that when a star dies, it would be a breathtaking spectacle in the skies, the most extravagant and amazing fireworks display ever.

I am slowly dying, but nobody’s noticing. I am not a star; I am just a moon – pretending to have my own glow and brilliance, but just borrowing from a star’s beauty. I’ve been dead for a long time but I was able to bask in another star’s glory. But that star is now dying and everyone is anticipating its magnificent death. Nobody will be mourning for me as I go back to my dead self, waiting for another star willing to share its luster to me.

I was never good at directions, but I never realized that I could get so fucking lost. I’m wandering aimlessly, searching in vain for post signs to guide me to the right directions. I had only my instincts to rely on, but it’s been a roller coaster ride. This is a crash course for me, learning as I embark on this journey. Stumbling, getting blocked, encountering dead-ends, backtracking every now and then – this could be a long one.


I achieved what I had set to accomplished – but why can’t I feel elation? Or vindication? Instead, I feel like the world’s biggest loser.

I saw the star slowly fading into the night. It was a great show, but now the star had disappeared into the vast skies. It will never return. But then, there are still a million stars out there, each with its own beauty. Someday, these will die, too, but not before each of them impress us with their powerful explosions, a one last hurrah before vanishing into oblivion.

"but I’m too crazy and I’m too weak and I’m too busy remembering how to smile and how to be happy. I delight in my pain, and I’m shattered..."

written one September evening '05

under the clear night skies

Mirror Image

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see?

Do you ever wonder if what you see in the mirror is what other people see when they look at you?

Do you find it sort of weird that you’re the person who knew yourself better than everybody else and yet you can’t even see what you look like without help from a reflective surface?

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see?

Do you see a confused person who can't decide if she should see herself the way she's seeing herself right now or whether to trust what other people say about how she looks like? Or do you see a confident person who smiles at her own reflection and say, "this is me".

A Morning Kiss

I woke up to your kiss and the soft patter of rain against the roof. I kissed you back, we hugged, we laughed

and I said “I love you”

and you took my hand and pulled me outside. And the rain kissed our face and the grass felt soft on my feet. And I rested my head on your shoulder, on the space that was my shelter and my hiding place and it made me feel safe and warm all over. And you started tickling me because you had always loved the sound of my laughter. And I would put this mock make-face because you irritated me but you always knew I am just trying to catch your attention. And you would laugh and laugh and tickle me more and chase me around the house

and it all felt so good, so tender, so alive!

Every morning was like that. Every morning was a gift, every morning that I wake to your presence gave me reason to live.


I woke up to the kiss of the sunlight on my face and the silent tears from last night. I kissed the frame of my memories, I cried, I prayed

and I said “I love you”

as if you could still hear me. And I tried to laugh so many times so that you could hear it, too, but the sound died on my lips, slain by the inescapable cry of my soul. And the sky is crying with me as I searched for that space, my shelter. And I felt your ghostly presence but it wasn’t enough, it was never enough. And the room felt so enormous yet it suffocated me

and it all felt so quiet, so cruel, so empty!

and every morning I await for the gift that someday would be mine, the gift that would take me to endless mornings and sunny days and rainy days. To the place where you are waiting for me. And then we’ll kiss, we’ll hug, we’ll laugh

and I will say “I love you”.

schadenfreude

a man staggered into view
reeking with the stench of liquor
and bitter disappointment.

he fell gracelessly
face down the stinking floor
he struggled to get up.

they were laughing down on him
a proud man he was before
the object of everyone's envy.

the invincible had been beaten
oh, how low he had fallen
he got this one coming.

he saw their twisted glee
felt the air thick with shameless gloating
suffocating him into numbness.

he sought temporary respite
you found your fleeting fun.
just leave him alone now.

adik

crave.

tantalizing, paralyzing.
yearning. wavering.
learning. succumbing.

fumble. mumble. scramble. rumble.
slip. grip.
gently. tenderly. fervently. passionately.

swoon. croon.

lost.

sweet. sweat.
weep. wet.
smoldering, burning.
searing, burning.

Stop.
don't... can't... stop... don't... can't...
Hush.
mush, blush.

feverish. flirtatious.
stiflingly sensuous.
deliriously flushed.
frenzied.
thrilled.
intoxicated.

sizzling, burning.
sweltering, burning.
scorching, burning.
crescendo.

surrender... silence...

insatiable.