Just Checking In...

I know my trip to Shanghai is wholly work-related, but damn! Can I just take a few seconds to think of it as a chance to see a foreign country and feel a tiny bit excitement that I'll be traveling outside the Philippines for the first time? Can I just forget all the pressures that goes with the fact that I'm new on the job and already was asked to venture into unfamiliar territory?

I feel so damn insecure and so unprepared and so scared. I'm psyching myself up with pictures of The Bund at night and the Shanghai World Financial Center. For a moment, the pressures are off.

Everything will turn out fine.

Logical!

Friend: Me kinakasal na tikbalang.
Me: Huh? Bakit?
Friend: Kasi umuulan tapos umaaraw.
Me: Ano logic dun?
Friend: Ewan ko.
Me (talking to myself): Dapat nga bang me logic dun? Eh hindi naman totoong me tikbalang?


***


A few hours later…


Me (talking to myself): Sige, assume lang natin na totoong me tikbalang, at nagpapakasal din sila – well, kelangan nila mag-asawa para dumami di ba? Pero wala pa ding logic na umuulan sabay umaaraw dahil lang kasal nila! Hindi naman yun katulad ng nagbo-bowling si San Pedro kaya umuulan…


***


A few more hours later…


Me (still talking to myself): Pero paano magpapakasal ang mga tikbalang eh di ba pare-pareho silang lalaki?

Niiice...

When I ask my friends “What is your first impression of me?”, chances are, they will say that I am suplada at mataray.

The problem is, even after spending time with me, I am still described as such! Okay, so it’s somewhat true, but it’s exacerbated by the fact that I tend to sound more masungit than I intend to and it’s making me feel a bit insecure. Do people think I am unfriendly and unlikable because they think I’m mataray?

Some of my statements would come out wrong, sounding bitchy or snooty or argumentative without meaning to. Is it my voice? My facial expressions? My body language?

Will I ever be described as sweet and malambing? Will there come a time when people would think of the first word to describe me and that word would be “nice”?

Random Nutty Thoughts

• I am not going bald. It’s just stress that I’m having more hair fall than usual (normal?). And my being paranoid about the baldness possibility is only stressing me more! So, I’ll stop being paranoid. I am not going bald. I’m not. For the love of everything good and living, please don’t make me go bald.

• I don’t know how I was able to send 581 text messages in a single billing month. That translates to about 19 text messages per day! And I’m sure my friends would find something wrong with that number.

• I really don’t know why it still surprises people that I like listening to rock music. If I say that I used to like Air Supply and Michael Learns To Rock, will that surprise people more?

• I really, really want to eat barbeque isaw. And fishball. And nilagang mani. And ice scramble. Any food sold on the streets. But the desire to not have typhoid fever again is stronger than my cravings. But still!

• I am not going bald!

emo mode

I am a bad person.

That’s all you need to know. I am not a saint. I am not the victim. I am the villain in this story.

Shit happens. And in my case, that shit is everywhere. The hideous sight, the retching stench, it’s suffocating me. I tried to clean it up, to cover it with beautiful pictures and flowery scents but the shit's still there. I can’t run away.

And this is happening because I’ve been bad. Because I was selfish, because I’ve been a narrow, judgmental bitch who think she knows everything. But I don’t. Because I have these thousand questions in my head but had been too afraid to ask them. Because I chose to believe in my truths. Because I chose to wallow in my blissful ignorance.

But when the truth began to unravel, I took cover. Because the truth is like a thousand knives stabbing at me. I wish it had killed me instead, but the cruelest irony is that it left me alive, hurting me but still letting me breathe. The pain is unbearable; it’s nothing I’ve ever felt in my life. And I tried to protect myself, but most of all I tried to protect the one I loved.

But I didn’t. And there’s no excuse. I was damaged, but I’ve hurt another, too. And knowing that truth, having that shadow chasing you everyday is the greatest punishment. The harshest punishment.

I am a bad person. You’ve been warned. Now stay away from me.


(I hate it that I have to make this disclaimer, but I guess one is warranted or this post might be interpreted the wrong way, so: this isn't about me. It's just something I wrote down months ago. I can't remember the exact inspiration for this, but I wanted to write something about how in life, there are no clear heroes and villains. And that's how far I would go in explaining!)

Pre-Christmas Mush

Somebody kill me now.

I have been listening and relistening to 'Pasko Na Sinta Ko'. Paksyet di pwede to ha!

We'll Always Be Together...

If a prophecy about my love life exists, the oracle would probably tell me that my fate is to meet the guy of my dreams and have a very special connection with - but I’m doomed to never be with him.

Why did I say this? Because, dude, that’s what’s been going on!

A three-day convention in Cebu, loads and loads of cute, handsome, appealing guys that I am having sensory overload, and the guy that’s been on my head until now is the one I probably would never meet again in my life! I mean, I could have crush on any of the guys there who is a trader, since we work in the same industry and he most likely lives in the National Capital Region and the chance of us meeting again is very promising indeed, right? Instead, I only have my eyes on the vocalist/guitarist of a Cebu-based local band and how the heck can I meet him again?! (hmm… vocalist/guitarist. Sounds familiar…)

(And before you accuse me of going on a business trip only to go boy-watching, I did listen to the lecture of Secretary Andaya about the national budget and deficit. Or something like that...)

So let's call this guy Batman since he wore a batman shirt and batman mask when they performed, which he removed later on (the mask, not the shirt). For the benefit of those who know him and who could create a miracle of hooking us up together (ha! asa pa ko!), he plays for the band called NextStage and ohmygodheisohsocutie I can't believe I'm still thinking about him! Mind you, they're not a rock band but if a guy can make me sing "My Humps" (actually, just the line "she's got me spending...". He's got a way of singing like it's the sexiest line in the world) repeatedly that my officemate wants to smack me dahil nahawaan ko siya ng LSS ko, then Batman's really something, right?

I didn't notice him at first because he was just playing guitars and doing back-up vocals for their female lead, but when he started singing, I was hooked. I wondered out loud if he's cute without his shirt, I mean mask on. But I was not disappointed since he took off his mask later and revealed how cute he is. I took pictures of him, but the pictures I got doesnt' even do him justice because I'm such a lousy drunk, I mean photographer. My officemate nudged me to say that Batman was looking at me, too! Probably wondering who is the psycho taking pictures. I even had a short video of him, which should have been longer if not for my officemate directing my digicam to the keyboardist.

I know my gushing over him sounds eerily familiar to my gushing over these two other vocalists, but I can't help it! Maybe I'm destined to marry a band vocalist. He can just sing to me whenever we have nasty fights hahaha... syet, I'm losing my marbles.

And I swear, I just can't freakin' take my mind off him! I can still picture him, strumming his guitars while singing - from pop to reggae to New Wave to R&B. And he even sang "Build Me Up Buttercup"! How can I not fall for him? But, why oh why do we have to be far apart from each other? In my drunken, I mean smitten stage, I contemplated introducing myself to him. You know, like I'm willing to forgo a bit lot of kahihiyan just for Batman's real name. And it's not like we're ever going to meet again, right? Ri-ight.

But you know me, I chickened out at the last minute. So now I only have my memories of him singing those songs that are not in my iPod, like their last song which goes "hey baby (uh ah!) I wanna know (I wanna know) if you'll be my girl...". I'll be your girl, Batman, forever and ever. We'll always be together in electric dreams.

Nutter, thy name is Jela.

Commitment-Phobic Much?

Thursday morning and I had this really weird and hilarious dream. (Thursday morning meaning, I woke up around 5am, decided to sleep for another 45 minutes or so and dreamt the dream.)


In my dream, I was strolling in Greenbelt with my cousin and we saw this old crush of mine - na itatago natin sa pangalang JR (pretend na lang kayo na pseudonym yun!).

Quick story: JR is a childhood friend that I liked but, for some reason, I can’t imagine being in a relationship with him. It so happen that he liked me, too, but distance and his inconsistency prevented us from going beyond the ligawan stage. (plus my reservations) (plus the fact that when he courted me during the time when I really liked him, I’m still not allowed to have a BF) (plus, when he came back when I’m of age, I’m already with someone else. shame, isn’t it?) And then, after we had reestablished communication recently, he disappeared again from my life.

So aaaanyway, back to the dream:

When we saw him, I got really tensed and told my cousin that we should move and hide from him. My cousin called him instead! So he joined us and surprised me by apologizing for being gone for so long (true to life?!). But here’s the funny part: he told me that he’s truly sorry, but I shouldn't worry because he hasn’t forgotten what he promised me a few months ago, when he gave me a promise ring (WTF?!). (This only happened in the dream ha, just so we're clear.) So, next month he’s going to give me what he had promised: a commitment ring. I repeat: A. Commitment. Ring. Did I say that my dream was totally weird?

(And what the hell is a commitment ring? Is that different from an engagement ring? And why the hell do I even have a promise ring? Parang artista di ba?)

So my dream self panicked (with my cousin inexplicably disappearing from this dream scene) and said that there’s no need for him to fulfill his promise. But he insisted and that’s when I ran away! The next scene I found my dream self talking to the legal counsel of one of my client banks (no kidding) and asking for her opinion if commitment rings are enforceable in court (the hell?!). She told me that it is not, but before I can even breathe a sigh of relief, I saw JR searching for me! So I told the legal counsel that we should hide. While hiding, I saw that JR had his celfone out and I blurted out, “naku hindi ko na-silent ang fone ko!” (side comment ni Jen nung kinuwento ko: “silent lang talaga ha! Di pa in-off!) I think JR heard what I said because he went straight to where we are hiding. The weird thing is that he only saw the legal counsel and proceeded to argue with her, saying that she can’t trick him and that he knew his rights. My dream self, on the other hand, is still wandering outside looking for a place to hide and trying to call my friends to help me…

And that’s when I woke up wondering why in hell am I having these dreams…

Which prompted Ketz to say, after my narrative: “Alam mo takot ka kasi sa commitment eh!”

Who, me? Afraid of commitment? That’s not true!

Or is that what my subconscious was trying to tell me? Watda???!!