Saturday, January 30, 2010

This Sucks

Sometimes life would throw you some cruel reminders that you're getting older.

In my case, it's more of realizing that my parents are getting older as well. (Geez, I didn't intend for this to be sad, but I'm kinda tearing up a bit as I type that.) There are times when I can't help but worry about them.

A few moments ago, we received news that a friend of my dad suffered a stroke. His friend is someone I've known since I was little: he was my brother's ninong, he was my dad's foremost drinking buddy then, along with my ninong who passed away some years back. I can only pray now for God to be with him whatever happens.

It's hard to imagine people's mortality when you've known them for forever. I know I was getting older, and I think I've embraced that aspect about life better than some. But then I realized that I had this foolish notion that it was only me who's getting older, that the people around me are still the same people I know when I was growing up. The little reminders that they are also getting older sometimes hit me so hard.

A few days ago, someone asked me if I wanted to die at a very old age. I said of course not; that would mean everyone I know and love must have died ahead of me and I couldn't stand the thought that I'd be mourning for their loss for the rest of my life, and that when it's my time to die, no one will be there to mourn my loss. Okay, that sounded so selfish. And now, here I am wondering how my parents are feeling at this news. My mom and dad aren't the emotional type; you won't see them getting hysterical when news like this come along. They're the ones who are calm and collected and would know what needs to be done when these moments happen. That's why they're usually the first to receive bad news: people expect them to react coolly and do what needs to be done. But I can only guess that deep inside, they must feel like hell.

I kinda hate having these thoughts and feelings. It's yet another reminder that I'm an adult and how much I long for those days when I only have simpler thoughts and feelings.

Growing old can really suck sometimes.

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