This Sucks

Sometimes life would throw you some cruel reminders that you're getting older.

In my case, it's more of realizing that my parents are getting older as well. (Geez, I didn't intend for this to be sad, but I'm kinda tearing up a bit as I type that.) There are times when I can't help but worry about them.

A few moments ago, we received news that a friend of my dad suffered a stroke. His friend is someone I've known since I was little: he was my brother's ninong, he was my dad's foremost drinking buddy then, along with my ninong who passed away some years back. I can only pray now for God to be with him whatever happens.

It's hard to imagine people's mortality when you've known them for forever. I know I was getting older, and I think I've embraced that aspect about life better than some. But then I realized that I had this foolish notion that it was only me who's getting older, that the people around me are still the same people I know when I was growing up. The little reminders that they are also getting older sometimes hit me so hard.

A few days ago, someone asked me if I wanted to die at a very old age. I said of course not; that would mean everyone I know and love must have died ahead of me and I couldn't stand the thought that I'd be mourning for their loss for the rest of my life, and that when it's my time to die, no one will be there to mourn my loss. Okay, that sounded so selfish. And now, here I am wondering how my parents are feeling at this news. My mom and dad aren't the emotional type; you won't see them getting hysterical when news like this come along. They're the ones who are calm and collected and would know what needs to be done when these moments happen. That's why they're usually the first to receive bad news: people expect them to react coolly and do what needs to be done. But I can only guess that deep inside, they must feel like hell.

I kinda hate having these thoughts and feelings. It's yet another reminder that I'm an adult and how much I long for those days when I only have simpler thoughts and feelings.

Growing old can really suck sometimes.

Once In A Lifetime

The Japan adventure has now ended. As I was walking alone in the streets of Yokohama, I was both counting down the minutes until I get back to Manila and at the same time wishing for each second to slow down and I could spend more time here. When the plane began its ascent towards the rainy sky, I was holding back tears. I’m leaving Japan, and it might be for forever.

The Japan adventure has now ended. The things left are the photos, the souvenirs, the lessons learned and the wish that someday, I could go back.

This Is My Way of Saying I'm Back (Part whatever)

I’m writing this on my second to the last night here in a tiny hotel room in Yokohama, my home for two weeks. I’ve come to view its smallness as a source of comfort; every night I would come home to this place tired and sleepy, but knowing it’s been a very satisfactory day, be it at work or at exploring different places in Tokyo and Yokohama. Yet each time I wake up in the morning, I feel excited for the day’s events and panic that each new day means I’m one day closer to my departure date. It’s such a classic case of so little time, so much to do.

While I miss my family and friends dearly, I really enjoyed being in Japan and I’m so, so sad to be leaving. And it’s not just about the places I visited and the places I have yet and so badly wanted to visit. It’s not about the generally helpful and friendly locals I’ve met who made this non-Nihonggo speaking foreigner feel she’s not such a nuisance for asking one question too many. It’s not just about the wonderful contrasts of technology and culture that made Japan such a unique place.

The thing is, I like who I am when I was here. This is such a clichéd thing to say, but it’s true: some things are yours for the taking, but only if you have the courage to grab it. I never knew I have enough guts in me, but I took the chance. Because I love to see so many places in Tokyo, I didn’t let the language barrier nor the intimidating transportation system nor the distance nor the effort to stop me. Yes it’s scary, but it’s quite liberating as well. I did the things I never thought I could and the payoff was great – not just making it to my chosen destinations, but the getting there.

And yes, it might sound mababaw, thinking that being able to go from one place to another without getting lost was such an accomlishment. But I'm not the type to take this kind of chances. And to have this kind of feeling, feeling like you're capable of just about anything, I don't feel that way often. And I like that I get to feel that.

After a long time, I finally have something concrete that I really, really want: I want to go back to this country, on my own terms. I don’t know how long that will take me, but I know one day I will make it come true. If not, well, it’s the journey, not the destination, remember?

~ less serious, more irreverent, more detailed story of my Japan adventure coming soon! I hope. ;) ~

Side Trip

I have lots of kwento that I want to share, but I can't find the time nor the words to write those thoughts down. Then I saw a submission in PostSecret that hit me and I'm paraphrasing it here:

Sometimes it's scary to think that we won't ever get the chance to repeat every single moment in our lives in the exact same way and feel the exact same feelings, but it's comforting to know that those moments and those feelings DID exist.

The Grave Is Not Its Goal

Twenty six years ago, on the day I turned two, Ninoy Aquino was shot dead. I was much too young to comprehend the impact of such news, but it was one of my clearest childhood memories: my mom and I were in the sala, looking out of the window, the black radio delivering the news at the corner of the room. I was seated on my mom’s lap and I couldn’t see her face, but I remember that she was silent for a while. I remember that she said something like, “it’s your birthday, and Ninoy died.” Maybe it was my mom’s way of predicting that one day, the nation will revere Ninoy as a hero, and will celebrate his life every year on his death anniversary, every year on my birthday. But I didn't know that then, and neither did my mom. All I know was it was my birthday, and it was a sad day.

When the news broke out that former President Cory Aquino passed away last August 1, my first thought was: she died 20 days before the death anniversary of Ninoy. It was such a sad, sad thought for me and I don’t know why. All weekend long I tried to fight this grief. I avoided the news and specials on TV, avoided reading the tributes of newspaper columnists and bloggers. I didn’t even attempt to catch a glimpse of the cortege when it passed by Ayala Avenue yesterday. Maybe if I didn’t think about it, it never happened. Yet somehow, I found myself crying silently while traveling the length of Roxas Boulevard this morning. Maybe I was overreacting. But then, maybe all of us – those who lined up to see her casket, those who waited, welcomed and showered her casket with confettis on the streets of Makati – are overreacting. So what? We have the right to express ourselves freely, we have the right to overreact. We are free to do all these things, all because of Cory.

There’s nothing more that I could add to what has been already said about Cory’s legacy. But more than her legacy as a leader and champion of democracy, it is her belief – and Ninoy’s belief – in the inherent goodness of people that I will most remember her for. Years ago, we showed the world our best when, as a nation, we chose Cory as our President against tremendous odds, during such tumultuous times. I hope and pray that one day, we might show the world again our very best.

I am sad, but I’m eternally grateful. Grateful that I can celebrate my birthdays as a citizen of a free and democratic nation. Grateful that I can mourn a person’s death without fear of persecution or arrest. Grateful that I learned how to have faith in people to do what's good and right because my leader taught me how to. Thank you, Cory.

Tell me not in mournful numbers,

"Life is but an empty dream!"

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!

And the grave is not its goal;

"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"

Was not spoken of the soul.

- A Psalm of Life, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Paranoid Android

Sometimes I feel like I have an evil twin sister that takes my place once in a while and makes life hell for everyone else. She dislikes talking to anyone and prefers being alone; she snaps at the littlest slights, has little patience for work, is indifferent to every thing else, and can’t even find refuge and consolation from the things I cherish.

I want to banish my evil twin sister to the coldest and farthest region of this world. Yet sometimes, I just want to hug her and tell her things will all work out in the end.

Nothing But the Truth Daw

Break from all things shallow -

I don't know what to think about "Nicole's" latest retraction. On one hand, if her statements now are true, then she was instrumental in sending an innocent man to prison and that's NEVER okay.

On the other hand, this statement:


"I can’t help but entertain doubts on whether the sequence of events in Subic last November of 2005 really occurred the way the court found them to have happened."


baffled me. How can one NOT KNOW or be unsure whether she was raped or not?

I still can't determine what part of the sworn statement bothers me. Her statements were posed as questions and that seemed odd to me.


"...if Daniel Smith wanted to rape me, why would he carry me out of the Neptune Club using the main entrance in full view of the security guard and the other sources?

"Why would the van park right in front of Neptune Club?

"If they believed that I was raped, would they have not dumped me instead in a dimly lit area along the highway going to Alaba Pier to avoid detection?

"I told the court that Daniel Smith kissed my lips and neck and held my breast inside the van. Recalling my testimony, I ask myself now how could I have remembered this if witnesses told the court that I passed out and looked unconscious when I was brought to the van by Daniel Smith. How could I have resisted his advances given this condition?

"I was so confused and the first thing that entered my mind was how would my mother and boyfriend react if they learn that I was last seen with Daniel Smith and that a condom was seen on my pants after Daniel Smith left the van?"


Were the questions rhetorical? Was she asking for some form of concurrence or assurance that she was right? Reading the statement, I can't help but think about the whole OJ Simpson "If I Did It..." controversy and that's not the kind of association you would want.

***

In other news, I FAIL. I confused Natasha Richardson for Miranda Richardson and thought the former was the one who played Rita Skeeter in the HP movies! Anyway, the news about Natasha's skiing accident was just sad. I hope for the best.

A Long Way Down To Nothing At All

Good grief, what is wrong with young ones today?

Last week, someone committed suicide in our neighborhood. And then I received news that another one also took her life yesterday! Last year, there were other incidents of suicide, too, fortunately (or unfortunately?) most were unsuccessful. But you have to wonder what these teenagers were thinking to make them decide that taking their lives was the best and only solution to their problems.

It's just depressing. Whoever said that youth is wasted on the young, well, I guess suicide isn't what they have in mind, but it kind of fits, don't you think? So much lives wasted.




And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

- Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of (U2)

RIP Mama Yamin

(I meant to post this the morning I heard the terrible news, but I was not able to blog during the week.)

I hate that I had to read the news of Claudette Yamin’s death today; I even have to check whether this is someone’s idea of a sick April Fool’s joke. As it turns out, it's not and that's just sad. :( I would like to express my condolences to Elliott for his loss.

A part of Elliott’s appeal to me was his relationship with his mother. She seemed like a feisty, yet sweet lady who’s just so proud of her son. I’m glad that she had the chance to see her son fulfill his dreams before she passed away. I know how tough this must be for Elliott and I’m wishing him all the strength to get through this.

Who Wants To Live Forever?

It took a critically panned movie (“Lions For Lambs”) and the death of my officemate’s dad to make me think about the reality of my own mortality. I’ve always maintained that I’m not scared to die but I just realized that I’m really afraid of dying.

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die...

Not the dying itself (although one always hope that her death won’t be too painful or drawn-out), but the fear of dying alone and unremembered, in some God forsaken land, that’s what scares me. It sounds selfish, because I know how death is more painful for those who were left behind, but I think everyone could use a little comfort. Of course, I also fear for the death of my loved ones. And I fear, too, of them dying a lonely death. I would want them to know that I’ll be there for them till the very end.

Voldemort thought that death is man’s greatest weakness. And I know he’s not alone in that thought. I think the idea of dying even gets more terrifying when you love. The thought that you’d be leaving someone behind, or that you’d be the one who’s left behind, is just painful. This is why there’s so much wisdom when people tells you to not waste time in telling and showing your loved ones how much you love them. True, it doesn’t make the prospect of death less scary, but one can bravely accept the fact of dying, knowing that one has done all he could in his lifetime.

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

As the song goes, who wants to live forever? Not I, that’s for sure, I just want enough time to spend with my family and friends.



Who waits forever anyway?

Hmm?

"It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes... We make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones."

Your thoughts?

Fallen

Something I wrote a long time ago:

delusions
reckless.
i chose this path and that decision was mine to make. what does it matter if i get hurt in the end? i am happy now and that's all that matters.
now i'm hurting. i only got myself to blame.
regrets.
not my word. as long as i have my memories, i can live with my actions. the price one pays for momentary bliss.
i'm a short term peter pan.
Posted on 2005.05.02


In time, the urge to become a "short term peter pan" disappeared and I become more mindful of my actions.

But lately I am being reckless again. Or not entirely reckless but I keep telling myself I know just when to stop indulging in this silly game. Anyway, it was only for a few more days and then it'll be gone. But the momentary bliss that my few encounters and out of reach fantasies afford were not even enough to hide the fact that I am only making myself vulnerable again.

But that was my choice, wasn't it? I've always believe that I am capable of accepting the consequences of my choices - a belief too optimistic to the point of foolishness that I can handle what I know is inevitable.

Oh, I can handle it fine. I wish it didn't have to be so hard.

It's A Very, Very Mad World

Naliligo ako ng bigla kong marinig sa mommy ko na may sumabog daw sa Glorietta. Paglabas ko ng banyo, sinabi agad niya sa akin na buti na lang hindi ako nagpunta ngayon sa Glorietta (galing kasi ako ng Glorietta two days ago).

Pag-akyat ko sa room ko, meron na agad akong 2 miscall at 2 text tungkol sa pagsabog at nagtatanong kung nasaan ako. Ako naman, dahil masyadong self-absorbed, naisip ko agad: "Do I give off a vibe that I'm a Glorietta junkie?!" at masyadong concern ang mga tao-tao na baka nasa scene ako?

And then I got a very big dose of reality ng makita ko sa TV yung extent ng nangyari. Sobrang nakakatakot. Sobrang nakakalumo dahil andaming nadamay. At sobra akong nagagalit sa kung sino man ang may pasimuno ng aksidente...

At na-guilty ako kasi nauna na naman ang "me" mentality ko. Hindi ko inakala... And then my cynical side kicked in, doubting whether it was just an accident and thinking that it was really an act of terrorism; thinking that this is one of those "wag the dog" scenario; and even as I try to say a prayer for the victims and for the speedy resolution of the accident, a big part of me doubt whether any justice would be served.

How did our world become such a dangerous place to live in?

"For the life of me I could not remember, what made us think that we were wise and that we'd never compromise..."

It's nice to come across and read something that you can totally relate to. You wish you could take credit for writing it, but you know you couldn't have said it better yourself.


The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown


It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

For Reasons Unknown

Last week was one of the saddest weeks I had for a very long time. It was a product of various reasons, none of which directly concerns me, but it was one of those weird moments when I was being too sensitive and emotional.

Not too long ago, I was asking myself why I haven’t been crying recently even when I have reasons to. Have I become apathetic, unfeeling? Matigas ang loob? I don’t want to accept that part of the changes in me should include being indifferent. And then I finally cried, wishing I was a bit more indifferent and unconcerned.

As I grow older, I realized that the things that can make me sad also have the power to hurt awfully. It’s not just about losing a wallet, being lectured by my parents, not being allowed to go out with friends. Sadness is realizing that my parents are not getting any younger, that friends are moving away, that some of my dreams have been gone forever, that other people get sad and hurt, too, and that I can’t do anything about it.

But I also realized that the things that can make me smile can be the smallest things in the world. Hearing my favorite song, a forwarded text message, finding 20 pesos in one of my bags, a rare moment when I get to sleep for 8 hours, ice cold water during summer, a book to read when it’s raining outside, a nice gesture from a stranger.

The biggest change in me is that I learned to live with being sad and being hurt. I need not torture myself with the thought that I’d never be happy again, because I know I will, whether it will come sooner or later. And although my happiness might be fleeting, but so are my feelings of sadness. And I’m perfectly fine with that.

Some things in this world can make me sad. A lot of things in this world can make me happy. But nothing in this world can stop me from going on.

Back With A Vengeance

I’m back from the dead my Treasury Certification Program seminar.

Two weeks’ worth of lessons and I managed to review for it for about 4 hours the night before the exam. Cramming at its finest.

And I passed the exams! And now I’m a Certified Treasury Professional and can trade for both Money Market and Foreign Exchange transactions. Or, I had just been certified to play with other people’s money hahaha…

I am happy about the results, especially since I managed to overcome so much stress and frustrations for the past few days leading to the exams. I have to wake up early in the morning to go to the office and then rush to the school for my 1-9pm class, everyday for 2 weeks. The day before the exam I really wanted to cry out of frustration, because some people had this really, really weird timing when they wanted something from you that they could have asked for a long time ago when you're not so swamped with other things to do. I was so tired and stressed out and I have not reviewed enough and I had diligently went to work even if they said I’m not required to (yeah, right) and still they made me feel that I am not trying hard enough. I hate to rant like this especially since everything turned out fine in the end, but there. It was still not a pleasant experience. Good thing my friends were there to cheer me up even if they have no idea that I was so close to breaking down.

Okay, enough drama!

Now for my nerve-wracking exams: my stomach was in such tight knots that morning I fear I was going to throw up. The only prayers I ever managed to say on the way to the school were for Him to ease my nervousness. The exams were really hard (and it’s also a right-minus-wrong so, pressure!!!), and it took all self-control I possess not to punch the monitor. I tried to keep track of the answers I’m comfortable with but quit right away when the results I got were not encouraging. I said another prayer and it was something like: “I know I’ve never failed in a major exam like this before, but I’m not sure I wanted this exam to be my first taste, so please, can you make me fail some other time?” Okay, so not exactly a nice prayer but under the circumstances, can you blame me?

The results were announced about 10 minutes after the last examinee finished (the exam was for 3 and a half hours) but I tell you, I’ve never gone through a longer period of waiting. I was discussing with my classmates some of the questions but I could feel my hands were cold and sweaty from nervousness. When I sat down in front of the examiner, he asked me, “So what do you think? Do you think you did well?”. And I said I’m not sure, and he said that when I said I’m not sure, it means that I have at least some idea on how I did. So I said, in such a whiny voice that makes me cringe each time I remember it, “I think I failed!”. And the examiner went Simon Cowell-like on me and said, “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you... but you passed!”. And I asked him about a million times if he’s sure of that, if he was looking at the right results, and if I really did pass both modules and he was chuckling, “Why is your confidence level so low? How can you think you failed eh you did well kaya!”. I was stammering my 'thank you's as he shook my hand and managed not to scream and shout on my way out. I still have that queasy feeling at the pit of my stomach and my hands were still cold and clammy, but at that moment, I feel like the luckiest girl on this planet.

Even if the certification program was something of a requirement for my job, it was still a wonderful experience. It’s been a long time since I was inside a classroom and it made me miss school even more. There was also a lot of information to be digested and a slight distraction in the form of a very handsome and intelligent classmate. Mostly, I’m glad to meet new people with whom I was able to share this experience. I hope I can still get in touch with them. Also, I’m extremely thankful for the support that my friends gave me, for thinking that I’m good enough to make it through, and for being happy for me when I passed. You guys rock.

Nothing Lasts Forever...

I hate breakups.

In fact, having gone through a painful breakup myself a million years ago, I hate breakups more when it happens to other people I know.

It’s just so hard to see someone going through a tough time and know exactly what they’re going through.

My officemate, who just broke up with her boyfriend, is currently crying and trying hard to disguise it. She can’t eat anything, the only thing she can take right now are alcohol and cigarettes. I don’t have to ask her to know that she hasn’t slept properly, if at all, and that she’s working hard to help take her mind off things.

It’s so easy to say to her that I know what she’s feeling but I can’t and I won’t, because I do know what she’s feeling and that the last thing she needs are empty words of comfort.

The shitty thing about it is that you know that there’s nothing you can really do about it. It’s the sort of experience that people, whether they like it or not, has to go through alone. And you know that the hurt is about to get worse – before things will get better.

I’m really not good at words of comfort and it’s hard to promise someone that she’ll be happy again soon when you know that she has to go through more pain before it happens. The only thing I can say is this:

Nothing lasts forever, and this, too, shall pass.

Lost

I'm at that point again when I got so much to share, when I got a lot of ideas in my head, but I can't find the words to say these things.

It's not just about my mind being a jungle of incoherent thoughts, but the meaning of my own ideas being lost to me.

Oh, baby it's a wild world, I'll always remember you like a child girl...

Movie. Book. Chatmate. Booze. Drugs. Anything. I need anything just to take my mind off what happened.

I'm overanalyzing things again and I hate it when I do that. It just complicates matter even more.

Life got a one sick sense of humor. Just when you're starting to feel comfortable, when you had your guard down - bam! - it would deal you a harsh blow. All of a sudden, the balance you tried so hard to maintain had been tipped, leaving you dizzy, dazed and confused.

I just need to forget what happened, that's all. Or maybe get some answers. I'm not asking for the moon here, I just need to understand why fate had to be such a cruel bitch.

Anyone, anyboby, please, I need to be brought back to my senses.

... you know I've seen a lot of what the world can do / and it's breaking my heart in two / cause I never want to see you sad, girl / don't be a bad girl / but if you wanna leave, take good care / hope you make a lot of nice friends out there / just remember there's a lot of bad and beware / oh, baby, it's a wild world / it's hard to get by just upon a smile...

wish you were here

It seems that most people are in a depressed mood these days, probably because of the weather. me? I’m feeling sort of bouncy happy… until I read this:

">Syd Barrett, founder of Pink Floyd, dies

Man, I don’t know, but I just felt sad. I mean, I didn’t even grew up listening to Pink Floyd, and it was only my natural curiosity about the genre that led me to these classic rock groups from the 60s and 70s. Maybe it’s because despite his mental instability, a lot of rock enthusiasts still recognize him for his music genius. Maybe it’s because my fave Pink Floyd song "Wish You Were Here" was a song about him. I’m listening to the song right now, and it’s doing nothing to lift me from this state of depression.

Rock with the angels, Syd.

...and did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? hot ashes for trees? hot air for a cool breeze? cold comfort for change?... how I wish, how I wish you were here. we’re just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl year after year, running over the same old ground. what have we found? the same old fears. wish you were here...