11 days to go before my birthday!
The problem, I think, was that I had exhausted all my energy over Harry Potter (I couldn’t even make this entry without referencing it). After feeling so high and giddy, I am now alternating between feelings of boredom and lethargy. Which is why even though I am excited about my birthday (and my very long vacation! woo hoo!), I couldn’t muster enough physical manifestation of my excitement. And it makes me wonder if I am really excited or I just don’t want to admit that I’m more scared about the fact that I am turning a year older! Syet! Tumatanda na ko!
The thing is, I only realized that I subconsciously marked "25 years old" as some sort of extended barrier between my youth and adulthood (a very extended barrier, mind you.). Now I’m about to cross that barrier – which means I run out of excuses to act
But mostly I’m afraid that, by crossing that barrier, I would be forced to leave my life behind.
Maybe what scares me about growing old is that I can no longer use youth as an excuse when I make mistakes. But I realized that that doesn’t mean I am no longer allowed to stumble and fail. It just means that I shouldn’t be making excuses at all – I am responsible for my actions or inactions and I should be mindful of the consequences.
Maybe what scares me about growing old is that I have not accomplished enough. But I realized that that doesn’t mean I have done nothing worthy in my life, or that I should stop dreaming. It just means that I’ve done what I could with the cards that I’ve been dealt with so far and there’s still room for me to improve and succeed. It also means that I’m still allowed to dream, even if some of my dreams have not come into reality.
My fears are nothing more than fear of an unknown future. And I realize that the way to overcome it is not to be someone that I’m not. So maybe I’m about to turn 26 and I am still single, immature, tomboyish, fanatical, barely successful corporate slave – so what? Who cares about some invisible barrier between youth and adulthood? Who says I can’t have the best of both worlds?
I’m about to turn 26, and I’m just happy and thankful to be here.