Starting Over

How does one start over again? How does one begin rebuilding something when you have nothing left, not even scrap, not even ashes, and the only proof that you have that that something even existed are the memories you have in your head? How can you start again knowing that it will never be the same again?


I lost ALL my saved DSlite games when the micro SD I used for the R4DS had a formatting error.*weeps* I have backup NDS files for some of the games and it’s quite easy to leech off the other games via torrents, but, man, I didn’t have backup SAV files, which means ALL scores, ALL completed stages were gone! For a casual gamer like myself, those scores, those completed games were my badge of honor. It took me months – MONTHS! – to finish New Super Mario Bros. (yes, that’s how much I suck at gaming) and OMG if I want to finish it again, it means I have to play again that stage where Mario has to battle giant frickin’ spiders!

Okay, so maybe I’m overreacting. At least it wasn’t the DSlite unit itself that conked out on me. But I can’t help it! I’m sooo disappointed. I don’t know whether I want to play again the games I’ve previously completed, or just download stuffs I haven’t played before. It’s a different experience when you’re playing something for the first time from when you’re repeating a game because you just like it or you’re trying to find better ways to complete a mission. I don’t know. I really do tend to overanalyze things and can you believe I’m overanalyzing video games?!

I plan to do a general cleaning of my room this weekend, but I’ll probably sneak in a few hours of gaming. Or maybe I’ll just finish a book. Or marathon watch Leverage. O maybe I’ll just sleep.

Pathetic

Gusto kong magka-crush para meron akong i-stalk sa friendster at facebook, tapos iga-grab ko pictures niya sa multiply, at maga-update ako sa twitter ng “Nakita ko si crushie!”. Tapos tatawanan ko ang sarili ko at sasabihin: “Syet, ang pathetic ko!”

Gusto kong magka-bf para ma-update ko ang status ko sa friendster at facebook, tapos maga-upload ng swit-switang pictures sa multiply, at maga-update sa twitter ng “Have a date tonight with my bf! :)”. Tapos tatawanan ko ang sarili ko at sasabihin: “Syet, ang pathetic ko!”

Gusto kong awayin si bf para ang shout out ko sa friendster at facebook ay “Sorry, baby, I never meant to hurt you…:(”, tapos magsi-send ng pm si bf para makipagbati, at maga-update ako uli ng friendster at facebook shoutout pati ang twitter ko ng: “Glad we’re okay. Love you baby!!!:o”. Tapos tatawanan ko ang sarili ko at sasabihin: “Syet, ang pathetic ko!”

Gusto kong makipag-break si bf for good para ma-update ko ang status ko sa friendster at facebook at biglang mag-reply ang mga friends kong 20 years kong hindi kinausap ng “OMG what happened? Hope you’re okay…”. Araw araw kong ia-update ang twitter account ko para malaman ng buong mundo kung aling stages of grief na ang dinaanan ko. Gagawa ako ng blog at ipo-post ko lahat ng lyrics ng mga break up songs na naka-relate ako. Ide-delete ko lahat ng pictures na inupload ko sa multiply. Ide-defriend ko ang ex ko sa friendster, facebook, multiply, etc., etc. at iiwasan siya na para bang hindi siya naging bahagi ng buhay ko. Maghahanap ako ng bagong crush na ii-stalk sa friendster at facebook at makakalimutan ko na ang ex ko. Tapos tatawanan ko ang sarili ko at sasabihin: “Syet, ang pathetic ko!”

Ang pathetic ko pala kapag in love. Kailan kaya ako magiging pathetic?


Note:
Sorry for the really, really bad Tagalog! I was having a good laugh with this line of thought and decided to post this unedited. :D

Baby Talk - Sort Of

There’s a new kid in the family and every one of us is excited! Little Leila looks just like her dad when she was a day old, so much so that when my brother joked: “Am I really the father of this child?!” he was immediately shot down by everyone with: “Duh! She totally takes after you!”. Now that she’s about a week old, she’s starting to look a bit like her mother, but we’re not complaining. :D

That’s the good part of this entry. The bad part is that I’m trying NOT to write the Top 5 Reasons Why I’m Not Meant Ready To Procreate (Which Totally Does Not Include The Entry “Because She Has No Sperm Donor Husband Yet”) and I’m discovering new reasons each day. I love kids, I really do.I especially love them if I can give them back to their parents. But childbirthing scares the crap out of me. I try not to listen when mothers are exchanging war stories about the time they gave birth, whether of the normal or CS variety. Then you have to actually take care of the child. On Leila's first weekend at home, my mom and I had to look after her because my sister-in-law had a fever. And she was bawling like a… well, baby. Seriously, hearing a baby cry makes me panicky. It’s a bit scary, not knowing exactly what was wrong with her (though I learned later that it’s probably because of two things: either she’s hungry or she just finished pooping and wants to get cleaned). Plus you have to adapt to her body clock; as of now, Leila is totally awake at night (and after midnight, too). I’m not in a rush to become a mother.

I’m not immune to the whole “parenthood is very rewarding” thing. I’ve seen how becoming a father made my eldest brother a more responsible, more patient, less temperamental person and I like how much he dotes on my nephew. I can see the same thing with my new-dad brother: he’s normally stoic but you can sense his excitement and nervousness when his wife went into labor. He changes the diaper, washes the bottles, arranges the crib and puts the baby to sleep. (I try not to laugh at his choice of lullaby (it’s that TV ad that goes: “bata ka pa pero kaya mo na…”) because I haven’t even attempted to sing a lullaby to Leila). (And I know I came across as too surprised that my brothers are this involved in the parenting of their children but that’s not because I don’t believe men are not responsible enough, only that my brothers are not exactly the most dependable brothers around.)

Parenting is a, pardon the cliché, 24/7 job. You don’t even have performance bonuses to look forward to for doing a good job. Right now, seeing Leila stop squirming to pay attention to our cooing and baby-talking (or non baby-talking - most of us talk to her like she’s an adult already) is our sort of reward. It's kind of nice, really.

But I don’t see why parenthood should be the only path to a rewarding life. I’m not trying to make this into a single vs. married debate, what I just want to say is that just because I’m about to become an old maid still single doesn’t mean I'm not happy now or I won’t have a satisfying life. I’m not in a hurry to hook up with the next available man just because my biological clock is ticking. This is not because I just want to rebel against society’s norms or because I think that marriage sucks or I have a great dislike for the opposite sex (totally not true!:p). Maybe I’ll get married. Maybe I won’t. I refuse to worry about those things and I refuse to change the way I deal with it just to make myself marry-able. I want to be responsible for my life, and isn’t that how you start your path to becoming a good parent? That before you can bring another person into this cruel world and be responsible for that child’s life, you must know how to take care of yourself first?

So, yeah, right now I am nowhere near being a Mom. I hope one day I could be. In the meantime, I must learn not to panic when little Leila starts to cry.

Now I Know My ABCs...

I'm trying to write and failing spectacularly. So, interactive meme time again!

Alphabet Meme

1. Comment with something for me to talk about that starts with any letter of the alphabet. Anything.
2. One topic per letter. I will update the list with which topics/which letters have been requested.

Easter Promises

I went to sleep today to a "Happy Easter!" text message. It was not so much as a very advance greeting but was more like me sleeping really, really late. Goodness, I was still awake by 5:30 this morning! (my reply to the text: "Happy Easter, too! Did you wake up really early or are you still trying to sleep like me?")

I finally managed to get a grade of A in Big Brain Academy after so many attempts to top my previous A minus grade. It was a bit disappointing, though, to go from having the brain of Pythagoras to having the brain of a movie critic. No offense to movie critics, who I'm pretty sure are really bright people, but I was expecting something like, I don't know, Newton? Certainly not Einstein but someone close. Makes me wonder if they just randomly assign brain types to your scores.

Anyway, Big Brain Academy was not what kept me awake until the following morning. After I beat my own score, I decided to replay some stages in Ninjatown where I didn't get the highest possible score. I'm... kind of a dork that way. The penultimate stage was still driving me nuts when I decided to check the time and realize that it's already 5 in the morning!

It took me probably 45 minutes to go to sleep. Then I had this spooky dream: I was out with friends and we were taking pictures. The problem was, my digicam shows a different background image for each shot I took! My friends were all in the picture, but the scenery changed to how the surrounding might have looked like about 50 years ago. Creepy! Do you have those moments that you are aware that you're dreaming and want to wake yourself up from that dream? So I had that moment, but I didn't wake up (not immediately, anyway). I decided to leave that place and go - to McDonald's! I was in line and there's a guy behind me who I felt was trying to look at my face. And then he made a pass on me which prompted me to splash his face with a cup of coke. The guy turned out to be an old crush of mine and I was kind of crying inside that his dream-self was a perv.

Then I woke up and it was only past 8 in the morning. Argh! I haven't been asleep for more than 3 hours! I woke up to more Easter greetings. One of the messages said: "It's morning again. Get up and wear a perfect smile! Embrace the day with sheer delight, and let us thank the Lord for an added life. Happy Easter!" This one made me grin and mutter a silent "thanks!" for another day. Then I promptly went back to sleep.

I woke up again for the second time today, about 3 hours later, and mutter another silent "thanks!" not just for an added day but for the privilege to wake up and to sleep any time I want to!

Sorry, this is such a random post. I have a weird morning today. Happy Easter everyone! :)

mushines is icky... but i kinda like it

I can be a bit cynical, but it doesn't take much to warm my cold heart. Other people's love story are enough for me to believe that love actually works, even if I'm not the shining beacon of example of it!

Yesterday I read the news of Mizushima Hiro's marriage to his girlfriend. Hiro is a Japanese actor that I adore because of his recently concluded jdrama Meichan no Shitsuji (I actually saw him first in Hana Kimi, thought he was hot, but I only have my eyes then for Toma), and the fangirl in me would normally whimper "whyyy?!" when news of this kind reach me. But the interview that he and his wife did just made me go "aawww...", especially this line:

"...she's the first person who made me feel that marriage is the natural conclusion to falling in love..."

How can you read that and not fall in love with the person saying those things? I love it when people are that in love with each other.

Muffliato

I’m re-reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (surprise, surprise), and I can’t wait for the movie to hit the big screen! Who here is excited to hear Severus Snape’s “unfixed, mutating, indestructible” speech? Alan Rickman’s voice is so going to rock that scene!

I think I already mentioned that one of my favorite, favorite scene in the ENTIRE series was when Harry asked Luna out to Slughorn’s party. It never fails to crack me up! Here’s to remind you of that awesome scene:



"How would you like to come to Slughorn's party with me tonight?"

The words were out of Harry's mouth before he could stop them; he heard himself say them as though it were a stranger speaking.

Luna turned her protuberant eyes to him in surprise.

"Slughorn's party? With you?"

"Yeah," said Harry, "We're supposed to bring guests, so I thought you might like.. I mean..." He was keen to make his intentions perfectly clear. " I mean, just as friends, you know. But if you don't want to..." He was already half hoping that she didn't want to.

"Oh no, I'd love to go with you as friends!" said Luna, beaming as he had never seen her beam before. "Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend! Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I dye mine too?"

"No" said Harry firmly, "That was a mistake. I'll get Hermione to put it right for me. So I'll meet you in the entrance hall at eight o'clock then."

"AHA!" screamed a voice from overhead and both of them jumped; unnoticed by either of them, they had just passed underneath Peeves, who was hanging upside down from a chandelier and grinning maliciously at them.

"Potty asked Loony to go to the party! Potty lurves Loony! Potty luuuuuurves Looooony!"

And he zoomed away cackling and shrieking, "Potty loves Loony!"


Too bad Peeves was cut from the movie. :(

But I’m getting ahead of myself! I haven’t gotten to that chapter yet, I’m still on Harry’s first Pensieve trip with Dumbledore, to the Gaunt’s house. I wonder how much of the Pensieve scenes will be included in the film. The book is more expository so I don’t know how much liberty the director took to make the film adaptation more action/adventure oriented.

Reading the chapter on Slughorn’s first Potions lesson, I suddenly remembered an idea I have before. Here’s the deal: assume that we are in Harry Potter’s world. What would your answers be to the following questions:

1. What would your Patronus be?
2. What shape would your Boggart assume?
3. What would Amortentia, the most powerful love potion, smell to you?
4. Finally, what would you see in the Mirror of Erised?

My answers are:

1. I think my Patronus would either be a big cat, like a tiger or lynx, or a shaggy black dog like Sirius Black!
2. Obviously, it’s going to be like Ron’s, a big spider. Ack.
3. The smell of the fresh pages of a new book, mango and sun-kissed skin. I don’t know how to explain the last one, I guess it’s that kind of smell that evokes beach and warm sand on the skin.
4. This is a difficult question for me. I guess my “deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts” is not something I can just share to everybody, right? So, here’s a more share-able version: I would see myself back in school, taking up something related to the Arts or History, like Literature or Archeology. The corporate life is often too stressful that I longed for something less practical.

What would YOUR answers be to these questions? :)

(pic courtesy of Mugglenet)

Enter Sandman

Hush little baby, dont say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the beast under your bed,
In your closet, in your head
Enter Sandman - Metallica


I love watching horror flicks. Although I prefer psychological thrillers, I can also watch slasher and splatter films. But just because I like watching scary movies doesn't mean I'm made of sterner stuff! A lot of things scare me shitless: spiders, waking up in a dark room, Pennywise the clown, Dementors, Pacquiao becoming President. Here are some of the things that scared me as a kid:

1. Chucky
Yes, that movie about the homicidal doll. Its recent incarnations are more of a parody of the original movie and horror genre, but the first film? Scared the crap out of me as a kid. Someone thought it was a great idea to feature this movie in a film showing for GRADE SCHOOL students. I was in Grade 2 that time and everyone in the morning classes were assembled in the school quadrangle. We had no idea what movie we would be watching, just delighted to be pulled out from our classes. And then the scarefest started. The worst part I remember was that the lights were turned off but there were little patches of sunlight streaming through the slits in the school gates and the effect was eerie. I couldn’t even squirm properly because of all the kids Indian-sit-ed on the ground. But there’s nothing more terrifying to a seven year old than the thought of a doll come to life and who would kill just about anybody – and especially its kid owner!

2. Panday
My family watched the movie the night before we’re scheduled to go to the province for a vacation. Great, just great. What better way to precede a visit to the rural countryside than the sight of a white lady gliding across a field chasing after a very scared Lando. I refused to walk on the pilapil and insisted that I be carried for fear of being snatched by a creature hiding in the shallow rice field. My grandma’s bahay kubo reminded me of the house where the white lady lived, so naturally I slept very well (not). To this day, that white lady and Lizardo’s maniacal laugh still make my skin crawl.

3. Lucila Lalu
Erap used to host this show called Hotline sa Trese. One time they featured the case of Lucila Lalu. In the late 60’s(or 70’s?), Lucila was murdered and her body parts chopped and scattered all over the metro. Yes, that show is a very appropriate viewing experience for a grade school student. When the program was over, my mom asked my brother to go to our aunt’s house a few blocks away to get something. My brother, the brave little boy he was, told me to go with him. I, the sweet and obedient sister I was, went with him. On the way to our aunt’s house, he kept muttering “andyan na ang ulo ni Lucila Lalu!” in this annoyingly scary deep voice! So each time he did that, I would say the same thing back… and increase my walking speed. And my brother would do the same thing! The whole time we were doing this scare tactic I was fully and terrifyingly aware how DARK and almost deserted the street was, and thought that random thrash cans and scattered objects we passed by were perfect places to hide Lucila Lalu’s head! Until now, headless and dismembered corpses makes me want to run away and hide.

4. Spiders
If you ever wonder why I’m scared of spiders, here’s why. One time a toy (I forgot what it was, probably a jackstone ball) rolled under a drawer. I tried to retrieve it by reaching in under the drawer through a hole that’s small enough for my arm to fit in. I couldn’t peep through the hole when I put my arm, so I blindly swiped my hands around under the drawer to find the toy. As I was doing this, SOMETHING suddenly crawled on my hands all the way to my elbow! Before I could even remove my arm from under the drawer, that spider crawled out of the hole, pass my elbow and into my shoulder! I was screaming and wriggling my arms like crazy trying to stop that thing from crawling to my face! Those who say that there’s nothing to fear but fear itself, well, dear sirs, I beg to differ. There’s nothing more terrifying in this world than a spindly many-legged creature crawling in your skin… excuse me while I curl myself into a fetal position and try to block the memories of that day.



What are your childhood nightmare fuels?

Blogs Are Made By Fools Like Me

I am going to post something, uh, more paragraph-y, but I still don't like what I drafted so far, so stupid meme to tide me over.


Instructions: Go to www.urbandictionary.com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the FIRST definition it gives you. I guarantee you're gonna find some pretty hilarious results.

***YOUR GIVEN NAME: Jela
Being jealous of someone

*chokes*

*** AGE: 27
the age all rockstars die at:
jimi hendrix
jim morrison
janis joplin
kurt cobain
alexander the great
james dean
river phoenix
brad nowell (lead singer to sublime) died at the age of 28 years and 2 days (2 days from joining the club)

I knew about the 27 Club this a long time ago, and that knowledge is making me paranoid ever since I turned 27! (nyek feeling rock star!)

***ONE OF YOUR FRIEND’S NAME: Joy
Polite nickname for the female genital area.

Oops, sorry Joy!

***WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING: Sleeping
To masturbate furiously in your room while praying that your grandma doesn't come in.

*chokes some more*

*** FAVORITE COLOR: Blue
The hue of the portion of the visible spectrum lying between green and indigo, evoked in a human observer by radiant energy with wavelengths of approximately 420 to 490 nanometers.

Okay...

*** FAVORITE NUMBER: 8
The ordinal number '8' is often used in place of the phonemes that would make the sound 'ate' in written English.

"He was a sk8r boi..."

*** MONTH OF YOUR BIRTHDAY: August
The idea of perfection. The 8th Month of the year in certain European and Asian cultures signifies greatness in achieving perfection, or something close to it.

*** LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO: Lorenz
A unit of measurment equal to .5 inches.

***YOUR NICKNAME: Je
French for "I."