Last week was one of the saddest weeks I had for a very long time. It was a product of various reasons, none of which directly concerns me, but it was one of those weird moments when I was being too sensitive and emotional.
Not too long ago, I was asking myself why I haven’t been crying recently even when I have reasons to. Have I become apathetic, unfeeling? Matigas ang loob? I don’t want to accept that part of the changes in me should include being indifferent. And then I finally cried, wishing I was a bit more indifferent and unconcerned.
As I grow older, I realized that the things that can make me sad also have the power to hurt awfully. It’s not just about losing a wallet, being lectured by my parents, not being allowed to go out with friends. Sadness is realizing that my parents are not getting any younger, that friends are moving away, that some of my dreams have been gone forever, that other people get sad and hurt, too, and that I can’t do anything about it.
But I also realized that the things that can make me smile can be the smallest things in the world. Hearing my favorite song, a forwarded text message, finding 20 pesos in one of my bags, a rare moment when I get to sleep for 8 hours, ice cold water during summer, a book to read when it’s raining outside, a nice gesture from a stranger.
The biggest change in me is that I learned to live with being sad and being hurt. I need not torture myself with the thought that I’d never be happy again, because I know I will, whether it will come sooner or later. And although my happiness might be fleeting, but so are my feelings of sadness. And I’m perfectly fine with that.
Some things in this world can make me sad. A lot of things in this world can make me happy. But nothing in this world can stop me from going on.