Damn You

I guess for you, it takes only one mistake to negate all the other accomplishments I’ve made.

It is only your position that’s preventing me from pointing out to your face that between the two of us, you’re the one who’s not doing the job properly.

The thing is, I used to have so much respect for you, which is why I stick it out, because at least I enjoyed what I’m doing and I thought I was good at it. But right now, my sense of accomplishment is being taken away from me along with that respect. And I hate the feeling when I don’t have enthusiasm and belief in what I do.

Just a little bit more, then I’m out of here.

(I realize that part of my anger comes from my own disappointment over my own mistake. I tried not to use this as an excuse, but right now I’m appropriating it for myself – I’m only human. I make my own mistakes. I take out my anger on other people and you’re fair game, because really, you’re also to blame. And I take pleasure in doing so. I’m only human.)

For Reasons Unknown

Last week was one of the saddest weeks I had for a very long time. It was a product of various reasons, none of which directly concerns me, but it was one of those weird moments when I was being too sensitive and emotional.

Not too long ago, I was asking myself why I haven’t been crying recently even when I have reasons to. Have I become apathetic, unfeeling? Matigas ang loob? I don’t want to accept that part of the changes in me should include being indifferent. And then I finally cried, wishing I was a bit more indifferent and unconcerned.

As I grow older, I realized that the things that can make me sad also have the power to hurt awfully. It’s not just about losing a wallet, being lectured by my parents, not being allowed to go out with friends. Sadness is realizing that my parents are not getting any younger, that friends are moving away, that some of my dreams have been gone forever, that other people get sad and hurt, too, and that I can’t do anything about it.

But I also realized that the things that can make me smile can be the smallest things in the world. Hearing my favorite song, a forwarded text message, finding 20 pesos in one of my bags, a rare moment when I get to sleep for 8 hours, ice cold water during summer, a book to read when it’s raining outside, a nice gesture from a stranger.

The biggest change in me is that I learned to live with being sad and being hurt. I need not torture myself with the thought that I’d never be happy again, because I know I will, whether it will come sooner or later. And although my happiness might be fleeting, but so are my feelings of sadness. And I’m perfectly fine with that.

Some things in this world can make me sad. A lot of things in this world can make me happy. But nothing in this world can stop me from going on.

Are You A Friend Or Not?

Let's find out. = p Please take this test (promise, it's easy!) to find out how much you know me.

Ready? Then click here.

(Please check my sidebar for the score update. Thanks to those who took time to answer! =D)

Cheesefest at AI

I am watching Sanjaya butcher The Kinks' "You Really Got Me" when I got distracted by a girl at the audience crying. Crying over Sanjaya singing?! What's going on here?!

I think it's the producer's attempt to distract the viewers from Sanjaya's horrible singing. Damn it. First, Jeremy by Sundance Head, and now this?

4Pilot Batch '97

Ten years ago, I said goodbye to my high school life.

I never cried during my elementary and college graduations. But I did cry when I graduated from high school. Heck, I was already crying two days before our graduation while my classmates were signing my high school uniform and Eraserheads’ “Minsan” was playing in the background. It was hard to say goodbye to these people with whom I spent some of the best years of my life.

But I realized, later on, I was not crying because I’m leaving my friends behind. I’m crying over the passing of an era.

But I was not sad for too long – because while I can’t go back to our past, there are my high school friends I could always go back to. Ten years since we graduated, they’ve been one of the constant things in my life. All of them have changed since our teenage years, but they’re still the same bunch of immature kids who like to talk loud and long, laugh at the silliest jokes, nitpick at grammar and spelling, who sing and dance with wild abandon, gossip about celebrities and non-celebrities. They’re still the same bunch of immature kids who, even though you haven’t talked to them for so long, will find ways just to reach you when you badly need a friend. And the good thing is that you don’t even have to call for help – for they seem to go back to you just at the right moment.

Looking back, I shouldn’t have been friends with these people. I never even wanted to study in UST. I never even wanted to be in the Pilot section. I guess I was glad I never got what I wanted. And to think that the first classmate I got to befriend was the person with whom I share the same birthday and whose mom share the same first name as my mom. Coincidence or not, I’m glad things turned out the way they did.

So, consider this as my personal toast to those four years of (almost) care-free high school days, and the last ten years wherein we’ve hurdled far tougher challenges than the activity board and one stupid bitch commanding us to "kiss the ground".

And here’s wishing for ten or so more years of being friends for life. =)



***

But the toast won’t be complete without this little trip down memory lane:

Three years of owning the fifth floor. Hundred or so student teachers. More I.W. than Encounter. Filching of Activity sheets from the activity board.

Pilot-Regular rivalry.

Dance practices. Cheering practices. Song and dance practices.

Sir Jucutan who have no idea we’re photocopying the drawings of his previous students.

Scouting. Camping. CAT. Classroom as changing room. The “mysterious” disappearance of valuables.

Top 20 at 12 with Triggerman. Eraserheads. Grin Department. Tropang Trumpo. Mr. Beans.

Syato. Over-the-bakod at the Engineering Complex. UST Basketball Team UAAP Champion for 4 years. Betting on “ending”.

Open forums.

Gala uniform. “Stick-on” patches. “Ribbon your piping”. “Multi-layered” IDs.

McJoan. Slush puppy. Love teams, reel and real. Sweet Valley. Varsitarian and Vuisitarian. World Youth Day. Field trip at Coca Cola Plant. DOS and floppy drives. Vocalization with Mr. Ibarra.

Chalks and ceiling fans.

Vandalisms. No permanent seating arrangement, teacher-initiated or not. The love-hate relationships. Batibot as meeting place. The Annual that never was.

The "notorious" tag.

"4P cheerers, 4P cheerers nasaan kayo?"

Blast From The Past

Don't give up on him like you
did to me... Since you chose
him, I've learned to set you
free... Do everything you can,
it's worth all the fuss... coz if
it wasn't for him, still it could
have been us...


Ouch... =(

Friday's Feast 135

Appetizer
Name two things that made you smile this week.

This is such a good question for me, since I started this week in a sort of gloomy mood and I found myself kind of okay as the week progressed in spite of what happened during the weekend and my busy, busy week.

One of the things that made me not just smile but laugh out loud was Rob and Amber’s elimination in The Amazing Race. I was just really laughing when he spelled Philippines wrong! (Philippeans, anyone?) They’ve ran an almost perfect race from Episode 1 to 3 but their downfall was their inability to spell. Sorry, I’m being nasty.

Another thing that made me smile was that I was able to finally update the songs on my iPod after my music files got deleted from our PC. Again I’m sorry, I’m not going to lie about it, but Jerry Yan’s “I Truly Love You” is now one of the most played songs in my iPod. And that is what’s making me smile this week.


Soup
Fill in the blank: Don't you hate it when ________?

People pretend to be smarter than what they really are, and then betray their ignorance through their very own mouth.


Salad
When you can't go to sleep, what is your personal remedy to help yourself drift into Lullabyland?

I read books, although most of the time, instead of me falling into sleep, I ended up finishing the book until the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes I just stare at the walls and think of the most mundane things until I fall asleep.

But more often than not, when I can’t go to sleep, I just let it be. No sense making an extra effort in putting myself into sleep when I know that it’s mostly a losing battle.


Main Course
What is something about which you've always wondered but have not yet found a good answer?

I have been asking this for the longest time and nobody bothered to answer me – is there a rule that prohibits basketball players from doing a jump shot when taking a free throw?

Seriously, one of the things I’ve wondered about is the existence of true love. What if you thought you found true love, only to find out in the end that it was just all an illusion, something that society invented like telephone and light bulbs? That true love, in the romantic sense, never existed, but is just some sort of justification to our actions. I don’t think I am making any sense, right? Anyway, maybe I haven’t found the answer yet, but right now I’m willing to wallow in my blind belief – true love does exist.

Dessert
What is your favorite pasta dish?

Hands down, that would be my mom’s spaghetti, whether it’s tomato-based or cream-based sauce. That’s the standard by which I measure all the other spaghetti I eat. My mom being a good cook is the reason why I’m picky when it comes to food.

Other than spaghetti, I also like baked ziti and lasagna.

Only If You're Interested

Leave a comment here and I'll--

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with a song/movie.
3. Tell a random fact about you.
4. Tell my first memory about you.
5. Associate you with an animal/fruit.
6. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7. In return, you must spread this meme in your blog.

Easy, right? ;-)

Couch Potato Ramblings

(I am finally watching TV again! Yihee!)

***

1. I don’t care if he’s gay, but Oswald is HOT. Hubba hubba rawr! Ehem. He’s my new TV boyfriend (wait, does that make me, like, a lesbian?). The Chas are funny and nice, but not in a boring way. With John Vito & Jill and Kevin & Drew (who were, sad to say, really disappointing this time around) eliminated, Oswald and Danny are my favorites for this season.
2. I hate to admit it, but I sort of like Rob and Amber right now. Sure, they’re still smug and too self-congratulatory, but they are very strong racers. Also, as much as Rob is kind of an asshole to others, he’s warm and loving towards Amber and one can’t deny that they really love each other. I’m sorry, why am I gushing over them? Did the world just flipped over?
3. I know I should be more offended when Eric keeps on making those ‘boob’ remarks to Danielle, but I’m sort of laughing at him for being clueless about him looking like the world’s biggest jerk.
4. Glad that David and Mary were finally eliminated. I know a lot of people like them, but this is supposed to be the All Star Edition and they’re not exactly the best racers around. They got by the last time because the Chos have this stupid strategy of being helpful to them. Even Mary admitted as much, saying how much she misses having another team to depend on. Right.
5. I just love it (in a bad way, of course) when Charla and Mirna are doing their ‘moral high ground’ routine. If it’s them doing the scheming, they’re being witty. But when it’s the other team doing them over, they’re being righteously indignant (a big ‘yeah right’ on the righteously part). Sort of reminds me of some people.
6. Have I said how much I am loving Oswald and Danny?

***

I finally saw the vid for Sponge Cola’s ‘Tuliro’ and... uh… uh… uhm…

Do you really want to hear me gush and swoon over how cute and hot Yael is on that vid? You don’t? That’s okay. I won’t mention anymore how cute and hot Yael is on the vid.

***

I heard that Dennis Trillo is going to release a solo album. Like, are you serious?! Dennis, how could you?

And before you start accusing me of seriously contemplating whether to buy his album or not, I am saying now, I won’t buy it. What do you think of me?

I am not buying his album. I am not. I swear. I think. Probably not…

***

Jen - what was the title again of Jerry Yan's song that goes something like "chanda chanda..."? =D

Footnotes To Insecurity

1. I wonder if there is a limit to our brain's ability to learn and if I already reached that limit. It feels like my brain cells have been fried crisp already and can no longer function as it should.
2. Now I feel really insecure. Between my classmates who have actual experience in trading and brokering and those with BS Math degree who specializes in Risk Management, my lack of experience and different educational background provide a stark contrast. What the hell am I doing in Treasury?! What the hell am I doing in a company that limits its Treasury activities and therefore hinders us from exploring and understanding the whole business? I wish I was working for a bigger and more dynamic company. The grass is indeed greener on the other side.
3. I hate it when I feel stupid. I hate that the things I know are of no importance in real life. I hate that I can only learn so much.
4. I hate that I've given up a long time ago my dream of becoming a doctor. I hate that I've passed on my chance to study at UP Law School a year ago.
5. I hate that I'm procrastinating on my plans of taking up MBA.
6. I hate that I'm actually learning new things right now and still want more. I hate that I can only have so much.
7. I wish I was a techie whiz. I wish I was a serious art buff.I wish I had a degree in literature or history or philosophy. I wish I was a cool geek. I wish I could be anything other than who I am right now.
8. I wish I could do so much. I wish I had enough time to watch my fave shows on TV, to catch up on the latest news, to be updated on NBA and PBA, to watch MTV and WWE and National Geographic and Iron Chef. I wish I had enough time to update my various web pages. I wish I had enough time to play Warcraft, to appreciate the finer points of poker as opposed to gool ol' tong-its. I wish I could go to concerts and gigs as much as I used to.
9. I wish I could be a lot of things and more. But I am just me, hoping that what I have are good enough.

Back With A Vengeance

I’m back from the dead my Treasury Certification Program seminar.

Two weeks’ worth of lessons and I managed to review for it for about 4 hours the night before the exam. Cramming at its finest.

And I passed the exams! And now I’m a Certified Treasury Professional and can trade for both Money Market and Foreign Exchange transactions. Or, I had just been certified to play with other people’s money hahaha…

I am happy about the results, especially since I managed to overcome so much stress and frustrations for the past few days leading to the exams. I have to wake up early in the morning to go to the office and then rush to the school for my 1-9pm class, everyday for 2 weeks. The day before the exam I really wanted to cry out of frustration, because some people had this really, really weird timing when they wanted something from you that they could have asked for a long time ago when you're not so swamped with other things to do. I was so tired and stressed out and I have not reviewed enough and I had diligently went to work even if they said I’m not required to (yeah, right) and still they made me feel that I am not trying hard enough. I hate to rant like this especially since everything turned out fine in the end, but there. It was still not a pleasant experience. Good thing my friends were there to cheer me up even if they have no idea that I was so close to breaking down.

Okay, enough drama!

Now for my nerve-wracking exams: my stomach was in such tight knots that morning I fear I was going to throw up. The only prayers I ever managed to say on the way to the school were for Him to ease my nervousness. The exams were really hard (and it’s also a right-minus-wrong so, pressure!!!), and it took all self-control I possess not to punch the monitor. I tried to keep track of the answers I’m comfortable with but quit right away when the results I got were not encouraging. I said another prayer and it was something like: “I know I’ve never failed in a major exam like this before, but I’m not sure I wanted this exam to be my first taste, so please, can you make me fail some other time?” Okay, so not exactly a nice prayer but under the circumstances, can you blame me?

The results were announced about 10 minutes after the last examinee finished (the exam was for 3 and a half hours) but I tell you, I’ve never gone through a longer period of waiting. I was discussing with my classmates some of the questions but I could feel my hands were cold and sweaty from nervousness. When I sat down in front of the examiner, he asked me, “So what do you think? Do you think you did well?”. And I said I’m not sure, and he said that when I said I’m not sure, it means that I have at least some idea on how I did. So I said, in such a whiny voice that makes me cringe each time I remember it, “I think I failed!”. And the examiner went Simon Cowell-like on me and said, “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you... but you passed!”. And I asked him about a million times if he’s sure of that, if he was looking at the right results, and if I really did pass both modules and he was chuckling, “Why is your confidence level so low? How can you think you failed eh you did well kaya!”. I was stammering my 'thank you's as he shook my hand and managed not to scream and shout on my way out. I still have that queasy feeling at the pit of my stomach and my hands were still cold and clammy, but at that moment, I feel like the luckiest girl on this planet.

Even if the certification program was something of a requirement for my job, it was still a wonderful experience. It’s been a long time since I was inside a classroom and it made me miss school even more. There was also a lot of information to be digested and a slight distraction in the form of a very handsome and intelligent classmate. Mostly, I’m glad to meet new people with whom I was able to share this experience. I hope I can still get in touch with them. Also, I’m extremely thankful for the support that my friends gave me, for thinking that I’m good enough to make it through, and for being happy for me when I passed. You guys rock.

Top 5 On Friday - Week 111

Top 5 Sexy Lyrics... And tell us why you find 'em sexy.

(sorry, this topic was already two weeks old. but I like it so I'm still posting my answers.)

1. Crash Into Me (Dave Matthews Band) "...you wear nothing but you wear it so well..." - it simply means that the person is sexy when she's naked but it was said really well.

2. Gemini (Sponge Cola) "...let me know if I'm doing this right, let me know if my grip's too tight, let me know if I can stay all of my life..." - very tender sex reference.

3. Blinded (When I See You) (Third Eye Blind) "...and I see you fogging up the mirror, vapor round your body glistens in the shower, and I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour... take the moment of hope, and let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now to each other..."

4. Deep Inside of You (Third Eye Blind) "...friends say I've changed, I don't listen cause I live to be deep inside of you, slide of her dress shouts in darkness, I'm so alive I'm deep inside of you.."

I included two Third Eye Blind songs here because most of their songs have subtle and not-so-subtle sex references, and most of them are in that heartbreaking "you-left-me-and-I-miss-our-time" sort of way.

5. Every Little Thing (Dishwalla) "...I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time..." - this isn't exactly a sexy song, but there's something about the way the line was sung that made it sound vulnerable and sexy at the same time.

Friday's Feast 133

Appetizer
What does the color pink make you think of?

Funnily, it reminded of the time when I hated the color pink so much. It was back in those days when bubble bags were the rage and almost every girl at school was carrying pink Hello Kitty bubble bags! Then there were pink umbrellas, pink jackets, pink notebooks, pink pens (with feathers), pink earrings and everything was just so pink! And then a friend of mine told me that my crush that time likes it when a girl wears pink and I was so disappointed because there’s no way I am going to wear pink for him and therefore the chances of him liking me flew out of the window.

Soup
Name something you thought you had lost, but later found.

My sanity hahaha… I recently found this old, old notebook of mine where I wrote down all the mushiest poems I’ve ever composed. I was hoping I had lost it forever but here it is, mocking my indifference with its reminder that I was once a very hopeless romantic.

Salad
In 3 words, describe this past week.

Stressful, humbling and satisfying.

Main Course
What are you obsessed with?

Harry Potter, for starters. Although I’m nowhere near as obsessed as some, it’s still to the point that I must be boring some people with my endless ravings about anything and everything Harry Potter.

I’m also obsessed with other stuffs, which is not so surprising if you know me well. It’s because when I like something, it’s always to the point of obsession (except for boys; I’ve never obsess over boys. Swear!). Although I prefer the term “addict” to “obsessed”, hence, the title of this blog!

Dessert
What kind of perfume or cologne do you like to wear?

I’m really not big on perfumes or cologne. Right now I’m wearing Bath and Body Works Cherry Blossoms and so far I'm not yet "sawa" on it.

sHuffle iT aGain!

We all know how this works, right? If not: give the title of the song, and the artist. If you give just the title, I'll consider it guessed. If you give just the artist, it's still open. (and yep, these songs were shuffled from my iPod.)

1. Well, I ain’t no stupid fighter, I go for flower power, I’ve been running every race just to save my face Shake Yer Head - Eraserheads
2. I don’t care about what they say anyway, I don’t care about that
3. I know where you hide, alone in your car, know all of the things that make you who you are, I know that goodbye means nothing at all, comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
4. I’m on my knees, pretty pretty please kill me, I want to die, put a bullet in my head Somebody Kill Me - Adam Sandler
5. Where I can run just as fast as I can, to the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears Just Like A Pill - Pink
6. I tried to find you but you went so far away, I was praying that fate would bring you back to me
7. Still don’t know what I was waiting for, and my time is running wild Changes - David Bowie
8. Easy to forget what you’ve learned, waiting for the thrill to return, feeling your desire burn, as you’re drawn to the flame
9. An angel’s smile is what you sell, you promised me heaven, then put me through hell
10. At aalis, magbabalik, at uuliting sabihin na mahalin ka’t sambitin, kahit muling masaktan
11. Is there a line that I could write? Sad enough to make you cry. All the lines you wrote to me were lies
12. Jealousy, turning saints into the seas, swimming through sick lullabies, choking on your alibis
13. Can’t let you see what you mean to me, when my hands are tied and my heart’s not free, we’re not meant to be The Hardest Thing - 98 Degrees
14. Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to money then you die
15. I wish I was like you, easily amused
16. I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow, I watched the stars crashed in the sea, if I could ask God just one question – why aren’t you here with me tonight? Someday We'll Know - New Radicals
17. I’m dressed all in blue and I’m remembering you, and the dress you wore when you broke my heart Come Around - Rhett Miller
18. Hello, how have you been? Who’ve you been seeing these past few weekends? I know it’s not me, I know that it’s you I want to be with
19. Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me, please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me I Think I'm Paranoid - Garbage
20. And I’m saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight Amazing - Aerosmith
21. And I take it just a little bit, I hold my breath and count to ten, I’ve been waiting for a chance to let you in
22. You howl and listen, listen and wait for the echoes of angels who won’t return Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
23. Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you, and now it chills me to the bone Alone - Heart
24. Tonight I’m tangled in my blankets of clouds, dreaming aloud, things just won’t do without you, matter of fact Walking After You - Foo Fighters
25. I don’t know your face no more, or feel your touch that I adore We Might As Well Be Strangers - Keane

(feel free to leave a comment for your answers!)