Sunday, August 3, 2008

Love Until It Hurts...

When you love, love until it hurts...
And when it hurts, love more...
When it hurts more, love some more...
When it hurts some more, love even more...
When it hurts even more, love until it hurts no more!

I've been trying to keep these words out of my head for the past week or so. I first heard these back in high school from one of my classmates and immediately scoffed at her idea of being a stupid martyr for love. I would only write the first lines in slam books just to be 'pang-asar'.

Eventually, I learned that one can't love only until it hurts. It can only be called love when you can set aside your pain and continue loving the one who hurt you. It's never as easy as it sounds, and there are times when I question the wisdom of what I was doing, but I feel that it's the only thing that I can and have to do. But how long must one endure the pain? How low must one sink into, in the name of love? How much does one have to sacrifice and compromise before one can say that he/she has "love until it hurts no more"?

Last week, a friend asked me to see her because she needed someone to talk to about her relationship. Obviously, they're having problems. My friend was trying to excuse her bf from the blame by saying "it's not him, it's the situation". I don't know anything about their relationship except what she chose to tell me and I haven't even met the guy, but I know enough of my friend to know that she would not normally put up with such bullshits. But like everyone else, I have to give her a pass. After all, she's in love.

When we are in love, we are allowed certain things. We have an excuse to act mushy, to be spaced out, to skip on our friends. We are allowed to do stupid things, to be rash and bold, we are allowed to endure and expect pain.

I'm not sure what my friend wanted from me. Maybe she just want someone who will listen. When I told her what I think of their situation, she turned the tables on me and said that I was full of pride and maybe if I wasn't like that, my previous relationship wouldn't have ended the way it did. I thought it was unfair - the conversation isn't about me, it's about her. For another, there's no use talking about old wounds. And lastly, she's wrong about me.

Or was she?

I sort of hate my friend for saying those things, because she made me look back and re-examine my past. And it made me remember those words. Did I only love until it hurt? Have I not love enough? Have I given up too early? Should I have done more? Did I really let my pride get in the way?

When we broke up, even now I still think that it wasn't about what was right or what was wrong. It was about what I can live with. I know it sound selfish, but at that moment I have to look after myself because no one else would. Was he hoping I would ask him to choose me? Maybe he was. And yes, I did ask him to choose me. Did I ask enough for him to choose me? I don't know. Because I stopped fighting for myself. Is that pride?

There wasn't time to second-guess my decision or to think of the could-have-beens if we chose a different path. There was life to deal with, after all.

And now I can say that those words were true - I did love until it hurts, until it hurts more, until it hurts some more. I did love even after the break up when it hurts even more. And now I can look back at my past love and smile about it, because I had loved until it no longer hurt.

Maybe that's how those words apply to me. For some, who are currently in love and hurting and wondering when it will stop hurting, it doesn't necessarily mean that love has to end for it to no longer hurt. Love and endure, be prepared to give your all, and learn to forgive and forget. That's the time when the pain will stop to matter.

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