Please Don't Worry 'Bout Me, I'm Fine

I just need to ask:


Why is EVERYONE ELSE allowed to blog about how hurt, heartbroken, depressed and BITTER they are over their break ups, but when I blogged about my own heartache (and I wasn’t even bitter!) and infrequently at that, I got called on and was told to MOVE ON more than a year after the fact?!

(Maybe this post might be misunderstood and misconstrued, but I don't care. Pucha blog ko kaya ‘to no!)

Anyway, I’m not really angry. I say all those things in mock anger. I was in a bloghopping mode today and I find it rather amusing that all the blogs I visited contained rantings about those fine creatures they lovingly call “ex” (Invariably adjectivize as asshole, jerk, two-timing, liar, etc. etc.).

Most of the blogs were specifically created as a result of the breakup. After a while, it got a bit tiring to read their stuffs because how many ways can you say you’re hurt and not become redundant? We know. We get it. The grief is unconquerable (my word; I so want to use that!), you know you have to forget and let go but you just can’t, the memories are overflowing, every tiny little thing reminds you of him, you’re so sick of love songs so sad and low, so why can’t you turn off the radio? I mean it. WE GET IT.

More interesting were the comments – and there are a lot! Does that mean mas mabenta ang mga blog na tungkol sa break ups? Maybe I should re-assess my blog… Not. Again, I just need to ask – why didn’t I get any comments from my so called friends when I was writing those stuffs?! I mean, comments like “don’t worry Jela, we’ll kill him for you” would have been helpful. But alas, nothing. You left me on my own!

Okay, I kid.

On a serious note, if there’s one thing I learned from my own heartbreak, it’s that different people have different ways of dealing with breakups. One can be whiny or pathetic or mean-spirited, one will do or attempt to do anything just to dull the pain. But don’t let your need to vent out override your good sense. Don’t write or share anything that’s too personal or that can be use against you. It’s okay to feel hurt, but that’s not an excuse to do something stupid.

No pain is too great or too deep that it can’t be healed by time and by the love of another human being. As the cliché goes, nothing lasts forever and this, too, shall pass. Trust me, one day you’ll look back at those nightmarish days and just have a big laugh about how pathetic you’ve been.

Kaya pag me nagsabi sa yo ng “MOVE ON, GIRL!”, wag mo pansinin. Sapakin mo na lang, mas masaya pa.

Lovesick

I saw a fooking ATM and I remembered you and one of our moments:



“Magte-test pa ko ng ATM, gusto mo ko samahan?”



It seem to have had happened in the distant past that I often wonder if I only dreamed of those times.

I hope I can see you again soon. You make me smile for days and I miss that feeling.

Flames

Lesson For The Day:

The lessons you learned in high school have very practical application later in your life - i.e. whenever you get bored or sleepy during a training or seminar, try playing FLAMES.

(For full public disclosure: the results were - me = 8; him 8; us = 16. Which means me = love; him = love; us = marriage. Forget sleepy. Try daydreaming.)

Last Goodbye

…This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face?
Why can't we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all

Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye…

…Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over... it's over

Fallen

Something I wrote a long time ago:

delusions
reckless.
i chose this path and that decision was mine to make. what does it matter if i get hurt in the end? i am happy now and that's all that matters.
now i'm hurting. i only got myself to blame.
regrets.
not my word. as long as i have my memories, i can live with my actions. the price one pays for momentary bliss.
i'm a short term peter pan.
Posted on 2005.05.02


In time, the urge to become a "short term peter pan" disappeared and I become more mindful of my actions.

But lately I am being reckless again. Or not entirely reckless but I keep telling myself I know just when to stop indulging in this silly game. Anyway, it was only for a few more days and then it'll be gone. But the momentary bliss that my few encounters and out of reach fantasies afford were not even enough to hide the fact that I am only making myself vulnerable again.

But that was my choice, wasn't it? I've always believe that I am capable of accepting the consequences of my choices - a belief too optimistic to the point of foolishness that I can handle what I know is inevitable.

Oh, I can handle it fine. I wish it didn't have to be so hard.

Wake Me Up When November Ends

Lesson For The Day:

Mahirap magpa-cute kapag wala naman ang pinagpapacute-an mo.


I'm so freakin' sad...

Love Lies Lost

I never ever imagined that happiness could be this fleeting.

I just found out that my crush – you know, the ONE who sang Upside Down to me, the ONE that’s been making me happy just by the mere sight of him – is already married. Just this July!


Oh, the hurt! The aching! The agony!

My heart has just been turned upside down…


Well I just wanted to say that I need you today
Tell me, it’s all gonna work out all right
Don’t know where I should start, but with all of my heart
Baby let me be your lover tonight…

Baby you don’t understand
Our love lies lost
But you’re still holding my hand
Oh and then you walk away
Just as I, I wanted to say…

You’re turning me on, you turn me around
You turn my whole world upside down…

Ouch.

From PostSecret.

Daydreaming

Sana ikaw na lang...

Narcolepsy, Part 2

Taking a break from the hustle and bustle of the upcoming barangay elections (take note: nagfile ng candidacy ang tatay ko at the last minute. argh! bye blissful vacation!)

Nicked again, this time from Chase:

01. Guilty pleasures?
Iron Chef, Eat Bulaga, cotton candy

02. Favorite bedtime item?
Pillows and Stuff Toys!

03. Dream careers?
Novelist or Astrophysicist or Gift Store Proprietor

04. Fantasy job?
CIA undercover agent or Wealth Manager of the rich and famous

05. If you’re not a “CFO-wannabe” you are?
I’m not exactly a CFO-wannabe, but if we’re talking about a job that’s a lot closer to what I’m doing right now and more achievable than my answers above, I want to be a trader specializing in commodity futures or fx swaps (hahaha more achievable daw!)

06. Queer turn-on?
Seriously? I was just watching Jericho last night, the episode when Skeet Ulrich was kissed by Heather. After the kiss, the way he bit his lower lip and gave the girl this look, that was some major turn-on! Okay, not really queer, but if I ever get that look after a kiss, I’ll spontaneously combust just for the kilig factor!

07. Major turn-off?
I don’t think I could ever be attracted to a guy who isn’t passionate about basketball. Mababaw, but it’s true.

08. Weird fetish?
Not weird, but I like being kissed in the forehead and cuddling my palms while we are secretly holding hands.

09. Favorite conversation starter?
Can divine predestination co-exist with free will?

10. Pettiest thing you ever cried over?
Movies

11. Hard habit you’d like to break?
Disinterest on my personal grooming. Not that I don’t take care of myself, but I have this tendency to go out without checking if my hair or face is still okay. Which almost always coincide with me bumping into a crush. Arg!

12. Virtue you’d wish to have?
Discretion. I tend to shoot myself in the mouth.

13. What you think people should never settle for?
Indifference. I just can’t stand people who don’t have any opinions at all.

14. What people should know about your driving?
That I don’t exactly enjoy driving. And that I suck at parallel parking. And that I tend to talk aloud and to myself while driving. And that I consider my talking aloud as a prelude to a simmering road rage.

15. If there is a “past life”, what is your theory?
That my “one true love” in my past life is also my one true love in this lifetime. Naks!

16. What makes you uncomfortable?
The question “kelan ka magpapakasal?”. And the unsaid but totally not so subtle implication of that question that unmarried/single = most miserable person in the world.

17. What for you is the biggest disappointment?
Not even trying.

18. When can you say that a person truly knows you?
When that person can correctly interpret my silence.

19. What do you think defines a person’s character?
His capacity to love, the choices he makes and his ability to take full responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

20. Three things you’d let the person you like have?
Time, faith and affection. Why am I being a romantic all of a sudden?!!

21. Happiness or contentment?
Contentment.

Is It Okay If I Call You Mine?

After months of denial, I officially announce that I have crush on him!

For the time being, let’s call my crush Morgan. It’s actually a very lame codename – but I’m not going to tell why, or you might guess who he is! Well, assuming someone from the office actually reads my blog. So that’s a major clue, he’s an officemate of mine, which is nice because I now have a reason to go to work everyday!

My raison d’ etre for now is so simple it’s pathetic – just to bump into him everyday is a major, major source of happiness. Grabe, parang high school! Only one officemate of mine knew about him and she’s busy plotting schemes for us to get together. But I’m – as another officemate of mine so succinctly put it – potsu (supot na binaligtad. And if you don’t know what supot means, then you haven’t live your life well! *evil grin*). There’s no way I’ll ever go through any of her schemes. I’m sticking with my tried and tested stalking techniques, thank you very much.

For now, I’m content with the fact that he at least knows my name and that he’s really sweet when he greets me!

I’m in lurrrve…

Mix Tape 001: Break Up Songs

Finally! FINALLY! My first ever mix tape! I’ve posted about this challenge ages ago but have not gotten around to doing it for one reason or another (read: katamaran).

The rule is pretty simple: you make your own rules! My own rules are pretty simple: each tape or category will have a maximum of 15 regular tracks and maximum of 3 bonus tracks, so that each mix tape will have no more than 18 songs. Only one song per artist per mix tape. The songs will not be arranged to show my least favorite to my most favorite; rather, the arrangement is all about finding the balance of a catchy opening, a tight middle and a dramatic ending. Well, the last rule is the ideal, but could be waived depending on my whims.

Now, to make things interesting - I need your participation in this. You can either add songs based on my category or you can suggest other category for my next mix tape through the comments section. Or, the best part: start your own mix tape challenge and tell me about it! It’ll be a really, really cool read (not to mention the chance to listen to other’s choicest songs!), so don't forget to leave a link also to your site.

* * * * *

This mix tape – with the working title "Love Can Be So Boring: A Collection of Break Up Songs" – is made up of my most favorite break up songs. Well… the word “favorite” here is a bit problematic, especially since it’s mention in the same breath as “break up”. Because, really? Does anybody here have a favorite break up experience?

I guess my main criteria here is that I chose the songs I refused to listen to when I was in my break up mode. (well, not all of these songs, but I did refrain from listening to some songs, not just those awesomely mushy songs but very specific songs, if you get what I mean) Break ups are hard enough without one going through the experience of listening to some dude or dudette wailing about how their hearts have been mutilated and castrated by their former lovers (though in a more lyrical and expressive manner).

On the other hand, listening to break up songs can be a sort of cathartic experience to a broken heart. What better way to understand the things you are going through than to listen to another person’s own experience. When you get to hear those songs that truly express all that you’re feeling, better even than you could have done yourself, is one of those highs at such a low point in your life.

After all, a break up is not all about shattered hearts and broken relationships, it’s also about learning from your previous relationship, it’s about finding courage and hope despite the pain, and rising above the ashes of your failed relationship – to make the next biggest record about how your heart have been mutilated and castrated by your former lover/now certified asshole/bitch ex!

AAAANYWAY…

Enough of my ramblings! Let my list do the talking!


Life Can Be So Boring: A Collection Of Break Up Songs

1. Black (Pearl Jam)
2. You Oughtta Know (Alanis Morrissette)
3. Deep Inside Of You (Third Eye Blind)
4. The Reason (Hoobastank)
5. The Hardest Thing (98 Degrees)
6. Barely Breathing (Duncan Sheik)
7. Song For The Dumped (Ben Folds Five)
8. Incomplete (Sisqo)
9. Kapag Nawala Ka (Stonefree)
10. Don’t Love You No More (Craig David)
11. Someday We’ll Know (New Radicals)
12. Best I Ever Had (Vertical Horizon)
13. Tuloy Pa Rin (Neocolors)
14. Invincible (5ive)
15. If You’re Gone (Matchbox 20)

Bonus Tracks:

1. Broken Vow (Lara Fabian)
2. Come Around (Rhett Miller)
3. Jeepney (Sponge Cola)

(Listen to the playlist here.)

Nothing Lasts Forever...

I hate breakups.

In fact, having gone through a painful breakup myself a million years ago, I hate breakups more when it happens to other people I know.

It’s just so hard to see someone going through a tough time and know exactly what they’re going through.

My officemate, who just broke up with her boyfriend, is currently crying and trying hard to disguise it. She can’t eat anything, the only thing she can take right now are alcohol and cigarettes. I don’t have to ask her to know that she hasn’t slept properly, if at all, and that she’s working hard to help take her mind off things.

It’s so easy to say to her that I know what she’s feeling but I can’t and I won’t, because I do know what she’s feeling and that the last thing she needs are empty words of comfort.

The shitty thing about it is that you know that there’s nothing you can really do about it. It’s the sort of experience that people, whether they like it or not, has to go through alone. And you know that the hurt is about to get worse – before things will get better.

I’m really not good at words of comfort and it’s hard to promise someone that she’ll be happy again soon when you know that she has to go through more pain before it happens. The only thing I can say is this:

Nothing lasts forever, and this, too, shall pass.

...Together In Electric Dreams...

I only knew you for a while
I never saw your smile
'til it was time to go
Time to go away (time to go away)
Sometimes it's hard to recognise
Love comes as a surprise
And it's too late
It's just too late to stay
Too late to stay

We'll always be together
However far it seems
(love never ends)
We'll always be together
Together in electric dreams

Because the friendship that you gave
Has taught me to be brave
No matter where I go
I'll never find a better prize
(find a better prize)
Though you're miles and miles away
I see you every day I don't have to try
I just close my eyes, I close my eyes

We'll always be together
However far it seems
(love never ends)
We'll always be together
Together in electric dreams

Hurry, I'm falling, I'm falling...

"When she was with him, time stood still. Every cliché she'd ever heard about love made complete sense."

On The Verge

(to counter the negativity of my two previous posts, I'm posting this thought I had last weekend, which... is a bit negative also hahaha... I'd like to think that I wrote this down during a drunken spell, but the thought hit me while watching a John Mayer concert [with him singing "Your Body's A Wonderland" na wala namang konek sa sinasabi ko!] so I guess I was as lucid as I could ever be and that the words here I attribute to a very confused mind...katching!) (ok, so now I feel better!)

I refuse to admit that I like him. But the truth keeps tugging at me to acknowledge its annoying existence.

So why am I hiding? Because I think he's into someone else. And it just seem mighty disappointing that my first venture at love after a long while is bound to end up in a heartbreak.

But does that mean I should choose someone who shows he's every bit interested in me even if I don't have strong enough feelings for him just to avoid the ache of an unrequited love?

LOVE - I'm not quite there yet. But I'm on the edge and just a push will send me tumbling down straight into his arms.

adik

crave.

tantalizing, paralyzing.
yearning. wavering.
learning. succumbing.

fumble. mumble. scramble. rumble.
slip. grip.
gently. tenderly. fervently. passionately.

swoon. croon.

lost.

sweet. sweat.
weep. wet.
smoldering, burning.
searing, burning.

Stop.
don't... can't... stop... don't... can't...
Hush.
mush, blush.

feverish. flirtatious.
stiflingly sensuous.
deliriously flushed.
frenzied.
thrilled.
intoxicated.

sizzling, burning.
sweltering, burning.
scorching, burning.
crescendo.

surrender... silence...

insatiable.