Fallen

Something I wrote a long time ago:

delusions
reckless.
i chose this path and that decision was mine to make. what does it matter if i get hurt in the end? i am happy now and that's all that matters.
now i'm hurting. i only got myself to blame.
regrets.
not my word. as long as i have my memories, i can live with my actions. the price one pays for momentary bliss.
i'm a short term peter pan.
Posted on 2005.05.02


In time, the urge to become a "short term peter pan" disappeared and I become more mindful of my actions.

But lately I am being reckless again. Or not entirely reckless but I keep telling myself I know just when to stop indulging in this silly game. Anyway, it was only for a few more days and then it'll be gone. But the momentary bliss that my few encounters and out of reach fantasies afford were not even enough to hide the fact that I am only making myself vulnerable again.

But that was my choice, wasn't it? I've always believe that I am capable of accepting the consequences of my choices - a belief too optimistic to the point of foolishness that I can handle what I know is inevitable.

Oh, I can handle it fine. I wish it didn't have to be so hard.