Friday, February 20, 2009

Yin and Yang

Taglish muna, I'm just going along with my thoughts right now, ayoko ng ipagpabukas or magdraft ng something na English. Ganon din naman eh, magra-ramble din ako at hindi niyo din mage-gets.

Ang tagal na mula ng huli akong makaramdam ng anything, something close to... resentment. Dapat masaya ako ngayon, pero bakit parang palaging may kulang. Or, mas correct, wala namang kulang, tama naman lahat sa buhay mo pero may makikita ka, or madidinig at maiisip mo, "gusto ko yun".

Pero hindi naman ata resentment ang tawag dun. Ewan ko, sabi ko nga tina-type ko lang yung naiisip ko. Resentment was the first word that comes to mind nung na-feel ko tong... feeling na ito.

Ayokong i-second guess yung mga naging decisions ko. There's nothing wrong with my life, there's nothing with who I am now, but why won't other people let me be happy about myself?

Tapos makikita mo yung ibang tao, and you wonder why they had it so easy. Although I'm sure they have their own struggles, pero I can't help but feel jealous. They don't have to give up so much to get what they want.

You want something so bad pero parang ang hirap maabot. So you give up on your dreams and after awhile feel liberated and happy na this time, you don't have to try so damn hard. At binago mo yung direction ng buhay mo, kasi nga you're no longer living for that dream.

And then biglang nagbago ang ihip ng hangin. Naisip mo yung dream na iniwan mo at naisip mo gusto mo pa din. Gustong gusto pa din. Pero paano ka magsisimula uli kung bumitaw ka na?



Bwisit. Bakit ba ako bumalik sa pagiging ma-angst na blogger? Ayoko ng mag-blog hopping, kung ano ano ang nababasa ko.

4 comments:

k a r e n said...

I wonder whose blog you visited that made you think twice about what you wanted. LOL

Don't worry, hindi lang ikaw ang nagdadalawang-isip paminsan-minsan.

jelai said...

Hahaha... uh, people I used to know? :D

*sigh* I know... nakakainis lang talaga yung ganong feeling.

Thanks Karen!

jen said...

I think it's just normal. You know you're okay with your life, you're happy, you know what you want and when you want it then you go reading about other people's lives and it makes you wonder about your own choices. It's also normal to feel envious sometimes. But then, when you're done with the wondering and self-pity you'd realize that you did make the right choices for your self.

Cheer up, girl! Lilipas din yan... papasayahin ka namin ni Bom sa date natin. Hahaha! :)

jelai said...

Don't worry Jen, okay na ko. One time event lang yon hahaha!

See you soon!