How To Slowly Kill Yourself

Watch Marian Rivera's latest telenovela.

I tuned in for the LOLZ factor. What I didn't realize was the LOLZ factor wasn't even funny, it's headache-inducing.

1. Dingdong Dantes solves giant jigsaw puzzles and plays the saxophone. Are we supposed to believe that those make him deep? Not to mention that Domyouji Tsukasa solves jigsaw puzzles and Hanazawa Rui plays the violin in Hana Yori Dango, so yeah, plus points for nicking ideas.
2. I hear instrumentals of It Might Be You in the background. Vomit.
3. Of course the leading man's girlfriend is cheating on him. Of course they're only together because they're both from rich families. Of course the villanious girlfriend chainsmokes and wears slutty clothes. Of course she refers to her paramour as "bebe". Vooomit.
4. For someone who's playing a mysterious character, Marian leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination. She's mysterious because she sneaks in at other people's houses with no apparent motive? Watch me not care. Yaawwn.
5. And the way she speaks? More vomit.
6. And the way she seduces Dingdong? Cringe. Gag. Vomit. Pass out. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.