Dream My Life Away

I hate the dreams I’m having these past few days.

No, it’s not like the werewolves-dreams I used to have. But it’s giving me the creeps that my dreams seem so… I don’t know. Logical isn’t the right word, but it’s the first word that comes to my mind. Like, the sequences happened in real time and everything was so vivid. And then when I woke up I can still feel… what I felt when I was my dream-self. Shit. I am not making sense, right?

What scares me is that I know none of the scenes I dreamed of would ever come true at this moment, but there’s a slim but reasonable chance that these might happen in the future. I don’t want to dwell on what I’ve seen but I can't help it. The dreams felt so real, it’s surreal. Are these some sort of déjà vu?

I need that potion for dreamless sleep.

first and last

survey again!

The idea is to order your iTunes or other music player alphabetically by song title, and then list the first and last song and artist for each number and letter.

.....	FIRST	LAST
0	none	none
1	10 Days Late – Third Eye Blind	1979 – Smashing Pumpkins
2	214 – Rivermaya	214 – Rivermaya
3	none	none
4	4 AM – Our Lady Peace	4 AM – Our Lady Peace
5	none	none
6	none	none
7	none	none
8	none	none
9	99 Luftballoons – Nena	99 Luftballoons - Nena
A	A Groovy Kind Of Love – Phil Collins	Awit ng Kabataan – Rivermaya
B	Baby One More Time – Marty Casey	Butterscotch – Eraserheads
C	Call Me – Blondie	Crying - Aerosmith
D	Daliri – Kjwan	Dyslexic Heart – Paul Westerberg
E	Easy – Faith No More	Eye Of The Tiger - Survivor
F	Fade To Black – Metallica	Full Circle – Collective Soul
G	Gangsta’s Paradise – Coolio	Grow Old With You – Adam Sandler
H	Halaga – Parokya Ni Edgar	Huwag Na Lang Kaya – Truefaith
I	I – 6 Cycle Mind	It’s My Life – Bon Jovi
J	Jaded – Aerosmith	Just Like A Pill – Pink
K	Kailan – Eraserheads	Kryptonite – 3 Doors Down
L	Lady Picture Show – Stone Temple Pilots	Lunes – Sponge Cola
M	Mad World – Tears For Fears	My Stupid Mouth – John Mayer
N	Nahuhulog – Sandwich	November Rain – Guns n Roses
O	OK Na – Milk and Money	Overdrive – Eraserheads
P	Panahon Na Naman – Rivermaya	Push – Matchbox 20
Q	none	none
R	Rock DJ – Robbie Williams	Runaway Train – Soul Asylum
S	Sa Wakas – Eraserheads	Sweet Jane – Velvet Underground
T	Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand	Two Trick Pony – Sandwich
U	Una – Sponge Cola	Uptown Girl – Westlife
V	Vasoline – Stone Temple Pilots	Vulnerable - Roxette
W	Wag Na Wag – Kitchie Nadal	Worlds Apart – Jars of Clay
X	none	none
Y	Yellow Ledbetter – Pearl Jam	You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling – The Righteous Brothers
Z	Zero – Smashing Pumpkins	Zoom – Fat Larry’s Band

bang your head against the PC

Just when you’re trying to be productive, the stupid Excel again plays its cruel joke on you.

Ayun, nag-hang na naman. 11 files ang naka-open. Sana hinayaan man lamang akong mag-save kahit ng 3 files.

Damn. Back to square one again!

...but first, a detour to my survey thingies. because when you're stressed, you need to do something silly or you'll lose your head completely.

short stories with tragic endings

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
The one thing that I cannot give.

(Did you ever see that one person
And the way they do these things
And it hurts you so much it's like choking, choking, choking!
Down the embers)

I can give you freedom from your guilt,
With a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.
I can give you death with the look upon my face.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
With no last kiss and no regrets;
You don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
With no last kiss and no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.
Mourn. Wish the end.
Mourn. Wish the end.

(Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
And to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is
A reminder of what I'll never have
I'll never have... I'll never...

Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
And the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
And to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down, come down.
I cherish you... I cherish you.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Just say you would do the same for me.
Say you would do the same...
Just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.)

random madness

Pick a band/artist/album: ERASERHEADS

>>>Answer using only titles of their songs


+ Are you male or female:
fill HER

+ Describe yourself:
paru-parong ningning (hahaha!!!) ; kaliwete ; slo mo (slow, I’m killing time, my lemon lime!)

+ How do some people feel about you:
toyang (too young to really be in love?)

+ How do you feel about yourself:
bato (bored na ‘ko!!!) ; julie tearjerky

+ Describe your ex:
huwag mo ng itanong (di ko rin naman sasabihin) ; pare ko (dati)

+ Describe your views on your significant other or crush:
torpedo(!) ; lord of the rhum

+ Describe what you want:
tikman ang langit ; ligaya

+ Describe how you live:
para sa masa (naks!)

+ Describe how you love:
with a smile! ; overdrive

+ Share a few words of wisdom:
punk zappa! (hi! I’m punk zappa, and my hobbies are listening to the radio, reading songhits and eating bulate fishbol!)

to the soul who snaps my control

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLIOTT!

for nobody else gave me a thrill - with all your faults, I love you still. It had to be you, wonderful you, it had to be you.

Darling it had to be you!

from your once and future love

(fangirl mode deactivated)

Death Of A Star

I imagined that when a star dies, it would be a breathtaking spectacle in the skies, the most extravagant and amazing fireworks display ever.

I am slowly dying, but nobody’s noticing. I am not a star; I am just a moon – pretending to have my own glow and brilliance, but just borrowing from a star’s beauty. I’ve been dead for a long time but I was able to bask in another star’s glory. But that star is now dying and everyone is anticipating its magnificent death. Nobody will be mourning for me as I go back to my dead self, waiting for another star willing to share its luster to me.

I was never good at directions, but I never realized that I could get so fucking lost. I’m wandering aimlessly, searching in vain for post signs to guide me to the right directions. I had only my instincts to rely on, but it’s been a roller coaster ride. This is a crash course for me, learning as I embark on this journey. Stumbling, getting blocked, encountering dead-ends, backtracking every now and then – this could be a long one.


I achieved what I had set to accomplished – but why can’t I feel elation? Or vindication? Instead, I feel like the world’s biggest loser.

I saw the star slowly fading into the night. It was a great show, but now the star had disappeared into the vast skies. It will never return. But then, there are still a million stars out there, each with its own beauty. Someday, these will die, too, but not before each of them impress us with their powerful explosions, a one last hurrah before vanishing into oblivion.

"but I’m too crazy and I’m too weak and I’m too busy remembering how to smile and how to be happy. I delight in my pain, and I’m shattered..."

written one September evening '05

under the clear night skies

policy ka dyan?!

The Royal House of Short Shrifters (a.k.a. The-Company-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named), in particular its “What? We’re Supposed to Work?” Branch (a.k.a HRD), recently received an audit finding on the implementation of the mandatory 7-day block leave. Probably thinking that their tasks were finished when they had drafted their policies, they were surprised to learn that they have to actually implement it and are now informing everyone to take that leave or else forfeit 7 earned VLs for all eternity.

The aliping saguiguilids of the Royal House, including yours truly, are now required to inform their superiors (the timawas and maharlikas) on the dates they plan to avail of the block leave. Normally, this would be greeted with excitement at the prospect of being workless for 7 days. But experience had taught us that “not being in office” is not equal to “not working”. (If only the WWStW branch had done a better job of drawing up their policies, they should have defined vacation leave to include “work-related communication are not allowed when an employee is on leave, or the employee shall be given additional compensation…”.)

So I had discussed my leave options with my boss and our conversation went something like this: “hindi pwede first two weeks of the month kasi kelangan tapusin ang mga reports”; “huwag muna this August kasi masyadong maaga and we have a scheduled telecon with NY”; “Oops, meron din palang telecon on October and December”; “don’t take a leave on the last week of November, expiry nung credit facility”; “don’t take a leave on these dates, we have loans scheduled for repricing"...

Huwag na lang kaya akong mag leave?

Majika Sucks

(Personal opinions only. If you don't agree, go away.)

1. The stupid ambigram of the word "Majika". What's the point?
2. Katrina Halili and Angel Locsin's costumes. I know they're FHM's top 2 sexiest stars but c'mon! Talk about oversell!
3. The lousy imitation of Harry Potter spells. "Petrificus Totalus" has become "Petra whatever".
4. The funny way Katrina Halili utters her spells. "Majika Chorva!" (sorry, I just made up that one.) I can't understand what she said! And for someone who's supposed to be one of the best salamanca, she doesn't sound authoritative when she say her spells. (maybe because she realized how stupid the spells sound.)
5. The lame kissing scene between Dennis Trillo and Angel Locsin. Well, Dennis seemed into it but Angel looked like the "Petrificus Totalus" spell was cast into her instead. If you have the privilege of locking lips with Dennis, please make it look like it was the best kiss in the world, okay? I can be your body double for your kissing scenes you know. It won't cost you anything.

(All these comments were made based on half an episode I saw last night. I wonder if I would change my mind if I watch the show regularly or if my list will just get longer.)

Mirror Image

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see?

Do you ever wonder if what you see in the mirror is what other people see when they look at you?

Do you find it sort of weird that you’re the person who knew yourself better than everybody else and yet you can’t even see what you look like without help from a reflective surface?

When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see?

Do you see a confused person who can't decide if she should see herself the way she's seeing herself right now or whether to trust what other people say about how she looks like? Or do you see a confident person who smiles at her own reflection and say, "this is me".

JELA 101

I present 101 random, useless things about me (because I’m vain and narcissistic and self-absorbed!):

1. I am the middle child and the only girl among five siblings. but I was never the pampered princess; on the contrary, as my mom always say, ako palagi ang balagong.
2. I used to think I might be adopted. Seriously.
3. I used to wish my fairy godmother would turn up one day and turn me into a boy. Seriously.
4. I grew up, and still lived, in Tondo. I used to get am a bit defensive about this. But you can’t blame me because there are still morons out there who ask: "may mga nag-papanaan pa ba dun?" Duh. Not everyone who lives in tondo is "siga", whatever you might think of me.
5. When I was young, my brothers used to tease me and call me "Tandang Sora" or "Choleng". I forgot why. All I remember is that I would get royally pissed off whenever they call me that. Grr.
6. I was a bit of a war freak when I was a kid, but only with my boy friends (who naturally, wouldn’t want to make patol to me or risk incurring the wrath of my older brothers!)...
7. But when a girl friend pulled my hair, I never found the courage to fight back. I just stood there bawling my eyes out while she locked me in a room in their house. Kawawang Jela.
8. I also cried when two classmates of mine followed me from school to our home. I told my mom (sumbungera!) and the next day, she went to our school and my adviser scolded the boys. They never spoke to me again until I left the school.
9. I had my first crush when I was in kindergarten (without knowing then that it was called a ‘crush’). I was attracted to him because when he cried, he didn’t sobbed noisily like some, but covered his eyes with his arms and cried silently. I told myself: "love ko siya". Hay, the innocence of young love. In my teens, I wondered whether he was gay or not. Now, he’s happily married with a kid(s?).
10. I had my first official crush in grade 3 (meaning, I already knew what the word ‘crush’ means!). It was so pathetic how I told myself I wouldn’t get married if he was not the one I’m marrying. Unfortunately, he was also my first unrequited love. huhuhu… (Incidentally, I met him again recently. He still has his cute dimple and I still got that "kilig" feeling when he said ‘ingat ka’. yihi!)
11. I can trace my ability to speak fast back in grade 3 when my adviser made me recite this stupid poem at a parents-teachers meeting. It was okay when I was reciting it in front of the class, but when I was ushered in front of the meeting room, I feel so embarrassed that I recited at top speed. Needless to say, my teacher was shell shocked and I was never asked to recite poems during school activities again.
12. I skipped grade 4 and got accelerated to grade 5. Unfortunately, I had to transfer schools. One of the saddest moments of my childhood was saying goodbye to my old classmates (and to my first crush).
13. I was the topnotcher on our high school entrance exam. But I slacked off in my studies so I didn’t maintain my scholarship. I didn’t graduate with honors either.
14. When I was in fourth year high school, I forgot to bring my gala uniform for the first Mass of the school year. To make matters worse, I was the only one in the whole high school who was not wearing a gala uniform, and to top that, I was wearing my PE uniform! And to make matters even worst, our school principal took notice. So after the mass, I was called to the principal’s office and the principal asked me to bring my gala uniform the following day for safekeeping and to ensure that I have a gala uniform to wear for the succeeding Masses! Well, I was not planning on wearing a gala uniform for the whole school year without washing it, so I brought my old gala uniform to our principal and wore my other gala uniform during Masses. As long as I’m in the proper uniform, our principal didn’t notice that I never went to her office again to get the spare gala. (For the uninitiated, the gala uniform is a required uniform for girls in most Catholic schools. These are worn when there’s a scheduled Mass and on some special events. Ours is an all-white, long-sleeved dress with white belt and frilly ribbons on the cuffs and on the neck. It was not pretty. Unfairly, the boys don’t have gala uniform. Boo.)
15. I never liked wearing gowns. I once threw a tantrum when I was a flower girl and refused to walk down the aisle because I didn’t like the dress I was wearing.
16. I once stood in as a finalist of a "Little Miss Philippines" sort of beauty contest for the niece of the doctor at our daycare center. I never realized that I was only a spare until I tried to take home the trophy and the doctor refused to give it to me. I forgot what she gave me but it was a poor consolation prize after the agony of being put in a gown and make-up and standing in front of everyone while reciting: "My name is Maarteng Jela. I’m 5 years old. I live in Tondo, Manila. When I grow up, I want to be a nurse so that blah blah blah…"
17. I am myopic. I had been in denial for so long that I don’t have a 20-20 vision until my fear of failing the CPA Board Exams forced me to wear eye glasses in review school. I started to wear contact lens about a year after that. Now, I alternately use eye glasses and contact lens because wearing contacts is tiring.
18. I lost my first cell phone (a gift from my oldest brother) on the second day of the CPA Board Exams. I was crying while taking the test for Management Accounting. My parents bought me a new phone as an advance gift. It put a helluva lot of pressure for me to pass the board!
19. Well, I did pass the board on my first take and almost made it to the Top 20. But I still don’t have my license! I was not issued one at the time I passed the board because I was not yet of legal age (I was 20 that time). But when I turned 21 and until now, I still haven’t got the, erm, drive to get my license. But I assure you, I am a Board Passer – just not a practitioner hahaha…
20. I learned how to ride the bike at the age of 10.
21. One of my earliest childhood memory was hearing the news of Ninoy Aquino’s assassination. I was 2 years old that time and it was my birthday.
22. I had my ears pierced when I was 4 or 5 years old. I had another piercing on my left ear when I was in high school. I did it myself using a sterilized needle and lots of ice.
23. I want to have a tattoo.
24. I FINALLY got the chance to donate blood last April 2008.
25. My low blood pressure is probably one of the reasons why I had fainting spells before. I fainted in our home, at a neighbor’s house, in a grocery, during CAT training. Now I am able to prevent collapsing because I can now recognize the signs of an impending fainting spell.
26. I also had nosebleeds when I was young. It happened one time in our classroom and my teacher pulled my head so far back and put her hand on my forehead. I thought she was doing a pray over but she just put water on my head.
27. I love chocolates but I can’t eat a bar in one seating.
28. I find it immensely romantic when a guy kisses me on the forehead.
29. I find it immensely romantic when a guy and I hold hands in secret.
30. There was this three consecutive summers that I dreamt about werewolves. In my dreams, stray dogs turned into werewolves when they get wet and they spend their energies hunting me down. The dreams were so scary, and it was so weird to have those dreams only during summer.
31. I only started eating proper pizza (meaning, pizza with pepperoni, pepper, etc.) when I was in high school. Before, the only pizza I would eat were the ones you can buy from street vendors with only cheese, ham and catsup for toppings.
32. I have a hand sanitizer in my bag and a separate hand sanitizer, alcohol and hand soap in the office. I’m OC that way.
33. This is the longest period that I had worn my hair long. I prefer to wear my hair long, longer than I used to back when I was still studying. I realized there are certain perks when you have long hair, like…
34. I wear my hair in a pony tail when I’m running late or when I’m too lazy to style it.
35. I have a mild case of claustrophobia. When riding elevators, it’s either I’m stuck in the back with my head bowed down or I’m at the front looking anywhere but the reflection of the crowded lift on the door.
36. I wanted to be a nurse, then a doctor, then a writer, then an engineer and finally, a doctor. I wanted to take up Biology in college but my parents dissuaded me.
37. I took up Commerce because most of my friends enrolled there. I initially chose Information Systems Management for my major but realized that I enjoy my Accounting subjects so I majored in Accountancy instead.
38. My fascination with Law started after reading a Perry Mason novel (I had also persuaded at least two of my friends to read those novels). A lot of people encouraged me to go to Law school but I was too coward to do it. Well, last year I finally found the courage to apply to a Law school.
39. On my panel interview for UP Law School, I was asked "why should we not accept you?" and I answered, "because I do not want this as much as the other applicants". I figured, no one in their right minds would accept me after that stupid answer. About three weeks later, I received a letter informing me of my enrollment schedule. I did not enroll. Well, what I said true, I did not want it that much.
40. I never took any other college entrance exams other than UST’s because I was too proud to ask money for examination fee from my parents.
41. On my first year in college, out of exasperation over UST’s performance in the UAAP seniors basketball, I’ve taken into wearing a jacket in the color of the team that had beaten UST. (Actually, it was only 3 jackets that my brothers happened to own: Green (La Salle), Blue (Ateneo) and Green and Yellow (FEU)) (I think UST lost also to other teams but I don’t have jackets in their colors!). Most of my classmates detested me for it.
42. I walked out of my first job along with two of my officemates. We didn’t report for work one day without advising our boss and then tendered our resignation the following day. We’ve had enough of our boss’ (and some officemates’) arrogant and asshole-y attitudes. It was one of the most liberating decisions I’ve ever made. Less than a year later, a manager from that company called me and offered to hire me as Management Trainee, with guarantee that I’ll be an Accounting Supervisor after the training period. I declined the offer telling her I won’t work again for that jerk (of course I never said the "jerk" word!).
43. I had my first godchild when I was in first year high school.
44. I am left-handed. When I was still studying, I sort of felt discriminated at because of it. The normal school chair is designed for right-handed people and I had to do a lot of squirming in my seat to find that comfortable writing position. This is probably the reason why I squirm a lot in my seat even when I’m not writing. (Not to mention that I get lots of smudges in my left hand since I’m dragging it towards right and therefore touches the areas that I’ve just written on.)
45. Unless I put tons of effort into it, my penmanship sucks.
46. I’m lousy when it comes to taking down notes. I hate writing business letters and minutes of the meeting.
47. I’m better at research. I love going to the library. Before the UST library had a (sort of) computerized book search, I enjoyed searching for books the old way (using card catalog). Now I do research through google and wikipedia.
48. I am forgetful. I remember information that have no use to anybody.
49. I used to draw a lot when I was young. I even tried selling some of my drawings to my neighbors. Now I can no longer draw decently. There’s not much difference from my drawing of a horse and that of a dog.
50. I can’t draw a perfect straight line even if you put a gun on my head.
51. I vandalized school chairs.
52. I once threw a towel from the fifth floor to the high school grounds because its owner (my classmate) annoyed me.
53. I like playing in the rain but I haven't done this for the longest time.
54. I had a ridiculous bet in college with my friends that this guy I had a huge crush on didn’t have a crush on me! Well, I lost that bet. Ain’t life grand?
55. I had my first kiss because I lose a bet with my (then)BF. I seem to lose bets when the consequences are favorable to me hahaha!
56. I am awful at telling jokes. I make people laugh without really meaning to.
57. I won’t go to a dirty public restrooms even if my bladder’s about to burst.
58. I used to get jealous of my eldest brother’s girlfriends. Of course, I never told him that.
59. I read in advance my English and Literature school books.
60. I almost had the glossaries of my Grade 5 and 6 Science books memorized. It wasn’t required, of course, but I just like reading those books because Science was my favorite subject then.
61. I usually go by the name of ‘Ana’ when ordering requires that I leave my name. I still don’t quite understand how some had trouble with ‘Jela’. I get a lot of Shella, Sheila, Gina, and even names that aren’t even remotely same-sounding with my name!
62. I like foot massage better than body massage.
63. I was told I have so many facial expressions and that I roll my eyes far too much.
64. I used to be a slasher (although I never intended to kill myself, I just want to inflict pain) For a short time, I was also bulimic. But don’t worry, that part of my life is definitely, thankfully over.
65. You can almost always tell if I like a person or not.
66. I once got lost on my way to home from school (and how lame was that? I had been taking that route for 8 years!). I was under one of my spaced out spell, and when I alighted from the jeep, instead of turning left, I took a right and walk for about two blocks before realizing I was in strange land.
67. I don’t have a single mole on my face.
68. I have lots of freckles. Some disappear after summer, but some I had for as long as I can remember. I even have a freckle on my right knee.
69. I used to be a loose-shirt-and-jeans gal. I didn’t even wear baby tees until fourth year high school.
70. My tolerance for alcoholic drinks is abysmally low. I plan to change that this year. hahaha. (Hey, what’s wrong with wanting to drink just one bottle of San Mig Light without puking? It isn’t too much to ask, right?)
71. I should have at least two pillows within my reach before I can fall asleep. I sleep with the lights on.
72. I develop allergies due to prolonged exposure to the sun.
73. When in doubt, I walk.
74. I usually like songs either when it’s no longer a hit or before it is released as a single (if at all). I’m not really that updated when it comes to current radio or MTV hits.
75. I used to listen to NU 107 or LA 105 when I study. I find the music they play less distracting than the music I hear on pop stations.
76. I can’t seem to cry when the situation calls for it. I cry at the most inopportune time.
77. Contrary to what most people might think about me, I want to, and I think I can, live a simple life in the province.
78. I don’t curse a lot – except when watching basketball. Even a kanto boy would be ashamed to be on the same room with me.
79. I am not a demonstrative person. I get uncomfortable when someone hugs me and I don’t recall saying "I love you" out loud or that often to anyone.
80. I used to want to have my own child but not a husband.
81. Kate Hudson is the only woman I find myself remotely attracted to. Apparently, my intense desire to become a guy doesn’t carry with it any desire for the female species.
82. There was this person I disliked at first sight. I still dislike her after 13 years.
83. There was this guy who told his friends that I was his girlfriend. I wanted to annihilate him.
84. My youngest brother wouldn’t believe that the cutest guy in the neighborhood courted me before (and that I had the guts to turn him down). Bro, that’s what you call animal magnetism!
85. I once wrote the names of all my crushes in an index card and one of my aunt saw it. I burned the list and promised myself never to write down the names of my crushes again.
86. I pride myself for coming up with the most complicated code names for my crushes: Oscar the Grouch, Tito Paeng, Shaider (well, this one not much), RC Cola, Rayban, Doctor Y, Hedrian. Try guessing who these are!
87. I was once a "searchee" in a dating show during our town fiesta. I purposely did not give the "right" answers so I won’t get selected. Unfortunately, the "searcher" picked me. I refused to be kissed even on the cheek. Duh. You can’t buy my kiss for 50 bucks and a single stem of rose!
88. A distant relative tried to court me. I told my mom and she talked to the guy herself (I told you, sumbungera talaga ako!). Another relative tried to set me up with his son (who, technically, is my nephew). I got fever the following day. Nausog daw ako nung pinsan ‘kong nangrereto.
89. "I’m practicing your name so I can say it to your face…" (Sway, Bic Runga) – this line perfectly applies to me! For a time, I couldn’t say my (then)BF’s name to his face. I always call him "uy!" to get his attention.
90. It had been my dearest ambition to join the UST Salinggawi Dance Troupe.
91. It had been my dearest ambition to do the "I’ve Had The Time of My Life" dance sequence in "Dirty Dancing".
92. It had been my dearest ambition to marry any guy surnamed "Hizon".
93. I used to idolize Aiko Melendez.
94. I often blurt our non-sequiturs.
95. I want to find out what my Patronus would be and what I would see if I stand in front of the Mirror of Erised.
96. I was once a member of our high school choir. Honest! I don’t know whatever happened to my singing voice (or whether my stint in the choir was just a fluke!).
97. I discovered my, ehem, (miniscule) talent for writing accidentally. When I was in grade 6, I applied for our school organ only because most of my classmates did. Initially, I was rejected because my handwriting was sloppy (I had lots of erasures and strikeouts on the essay I submitted). But they were short of one writer so the adviser grudgingly accepted me. I was supposed to write for the Editorial section but the adviser told me I can’t write editorials to save my life so I was shipped to the Features and Literary section. I was the school representative to the District Poetry Writing contest by default. It was the first time I wrote a poem in my life and I was expected to compete immediately? Lucky for me, I won the contest and got more confident of my writing abilities…
98. …until I tried to apply for our high school newsletter and read the published works of my classmates and schoolmates. It was a shock, to say the least, to realized that they were already writing poems about love and friendship and life when I was still stuck writing about rain and trees and schools (my winning piece on the Poetry Writing contest, by the way, was about rain and had lines such as " see the children jumping with glee, with raindrops they feel happy…" shameful.). I was still writing in rhyming quatrains while most of them had discovered free verse. My ego was severely deflated that I never applied for our school organ anymore.
99. I wrote my first love poem in third year high school. Since then, I started writing again, but only for my personal enjoyment (and sometimes, for the readers of my blogs as well! Yuck! Enjoy nga ba?! Hahaha.)
100. I like seating with my feet tucked under – even if I will have that painful and uncomfortable ‘pins and needles’ sensation afterwards.
101. Some of my daydreams consist of creating a video in my head of the song I am listening to at the moment (complete with plot, setting, camera angles, the works).
102. (Extra!) I’m all of these and more! But despite what you see here, I’m a very private person. There are still certain things about me that I choose to tell only to my closest friends, and there are also things about me that I choose to just keep to myself.

Friday's Feast 102

Appetizer

Name one thing nice that you could do for someone else today.

• I had been friendly to a pesky "textmate" today.

Soup

When was the last time you were frightened by the weather?

• When I first witness flying roofs - and our roof is one of them. The storm was just so strong then and there wasn't even a difference if you're outside or inside your home, everything was drenched. Actually, I wasn't really that frightened, more of a feeling of despair, that there's nothing you can do against the force of nature.

Salad

What would you say is the most useful website or blog that you visit?

• Wikipedia! It's not exactly the most accurate source for info (well, the internet isn't exactly the most accurate source for info), but I enjoyed reading a lot of topics there that you won't normally find on a classic encyclopedia.

Main Course

Who was your favorite singer/group when you were a child?

• I was more of a dancer then so I like any music that was danceable. I started dreaming of fronting a rock band when I was in first year high school but by then it was too late, since I lost my singing voice by screaming myself hoarse from cheering, watching basketball, and by just being loud (as if I already had a singing voice in the first place). Anyway, favorite singer/group... I honestly can't remember any singer/group I had supported when I was a child. I was big on 90's alternative rock but it didn't happen until I was in high school.

Dessert

Do you have any rituals? If so, what are they?

• Surprisingly, I don't have any. Just like everyone else, I have morning or before going to bed rituals (like washing my face, toothbrush, taking additional baths in the evening when the weather's hot) but I don't consider these as rituals as these serve hygienic purposes.

Top 5 On A Friday - Week 80

Top 5 songs you're ashamed to admit that you like.

1. My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion) - I got a lot of flak for liking Titanic too much. Well, I'll probably get even more for admitting I liked Celine Dion's ode to the star-crossed lovers of this doomed ship.
2. Sana Ay Mahalin Mo Din Ako (April Boys) - and Sana'y Laging Magkapiling. My God. I can't believe I'm letting this secret out! But hey, the lyrics were quite nice (and cheesy) and April Boy Regino hadn't discovered yet his crossed arms schtick (which was even cheesier).
3. Handog ng Pilipino Sa Mundo, or whatever the title of that EDSA People Power theme song - I know that the People Power Revolution was a great event for our nation, but I felt that this song was too self-congratulatory. What the heck. I still get that lump in my throat every time I hear this on TV and I get this mad impulse to pump my fist in the air.
4. Lady in Red - this song isn't really that bad (I think), but after it was featured in the movie Dodgeball (theme song of the mannish Russian lady and the dork guy) I was like, "why are they making fun of this song?!" and since then I had never volunteered the fact that I like this song.
5. Can't Lose You (F4) - Okay, I made fun of my friends who had F4 songs in their iPods, but I secretly like their song! (Though not enough to put it on my iPod!) And Jerry Yan is cute.

But I want to clarify that none of these songs are in my iPod!!! I am not that stupid to incriminate myself.

This post will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

(wait, what do you mean it won't?!)

As if you don't know it yet...

that Foxtrot rules my world!!!

like a prayer

What is it they say about picturing in your mind something you want to achieve? That when you concentrate hard enough, make a clear mental picture of what you wanted in your head, you might actually get it. Well, my friend had sort of expounded on this idea - that if you pray hard enough, and specific enough, He might just give you what your heart desires.

It got me thinking: maybe if He is keeping track of my prayers, He would realize that I had never really asked for anything big from Him so far, so maybe if I ask now, He wouldn’t mind much.

So I pray: can I please have Miro Valera or Dennis Trillo?

(I mean, you can’t get any more specific than that, can you? And I have thought about them hard and long enough, so yeah...)

And now the wind is howling as torrents of rain fall down from the sky - probably because God is crying from laughing too much.

wish you were here

It seems that most people are in a depressed mood these days, probably because of the weather. me? I’m feeling sort of bouncy happy… until I read this:

">Syd Barrett, founder of Pink Floyd, dies

Man, I don’t know, but I just felt sad. I mean, I didn’t even grew up listening to Pink Floyd, and it was only my natural curiosity about the genre that led me to these classic rock groups from the 60s and 70s. Maybe it’s because despite his mental instability, a lot of rock enthusiasts still recognize him for his music genius. Maybe it’s because my fave Pink Floyd song "Wish You Were Here" was a song about him. I’m listening to the song right now, and it’s doing nothing to lift me from this state of depression.

Rock with the angels, Syd.

...and did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? hot ashes for trees? hot air for a cool breeze? cold comfort for change?... how I wish, how I wish you were here. we’re just two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl year after year, running over the same old ground. what have we found? the same old fears. wish you were here...

I must be stupid...

... and pathetic, and foolish, and mental, and still a hopeless romantic...


I can’t fight this insane grin or this mad thump-thumping of my heart. Oh, this isn’t love, I’m sure of it. Just a reckless, silly infatuation with no apparent basis other than this unfounded, crazy kilig feeling I have at the mere mention of his name.


And it’s a secret crush that I’m taking with me right down to my grave!

Top 10 Best Song Lyrics

USA Weekend and Billboard recently had a poll to determine the best song lyrics of the past 13 years. The results are:

1. "We Belong Together," Mariah Carey (2005)
2. "Smooth," Santana, featuring Rob Thomas (1999)
3. "Fallin'," Alicia Keys (2001)
4. "Lose Yourself," Eminem (2002)
5. "Hey Ya!," Outkast (2003)
6. "Stay," Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories (1994)
7. "Gangsta's Paradise," Coolio (1995)
8. "Missing," Everything but the Girl (1994)
9. "No Scrubs," TLC (1999)
10. "Family Affair," Mary J. Blige (2001)

I tried to make my own list, and as usual, had a hard time coming up with a definitive top 10! This is just a top-off-my head list, but for now, this will do. =)

My Own Best Song Lyrics (in random order):

• Black (Pearl Jam) – The last few lines alone is enough to justify the inclusion of this song in the list (not to mention Eddie Vedder’s kickass singing. You can feel his own heartache, hear it in his growls!).
  
  “…I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a star in somebody else’s sky, but why, why, why can’t it be, why can’t it be mine?”

• That I Would Be Good (Alanis Morissette) – the lyrics aren’t that profound, but the song’s beauty lies in the simplicity of its words. (Alanis’ haunting delivery also helped in making this one of my fave songs)
  
  “…that I would be loved even when I numb myself, that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed, that I would be loved even when I was fuming, that I would be good even if I was clingy…”

• Polly (Nirvana) – This might strike some as an odd choice, since this song is about rape from the rapist’s point of view. I like how the story was told, and I like the story behind the song. Again, the words are not profound, but considering the song’s sensitive theme, Kurt was able to tell the story without grossing you out.
  
  “…let me take a ride, don’t hurt yourself, I want some help to please myself…”

• Somebody (Depeche Mode) – I guess the song speaks for itself. Not your ordinary cheesy love song!
  
  “…though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted, she’ll hear me out and won’t easily be converted…”

• Lightning Crashes (Live) – Another odd choice, a song about childbirth. It’s not everyday that you hear a man's song with a, well, womanly theme. It makes for a nice change from the usual love-themed songs you hear on the radio.
  
  “…ooh, now feel it coming back again, like a rollin’ thunder chasing the wind, forces pulling from the center of the earth again, I can feel it…”

• The Unforgiven (Metallica) – Typical of most hard metal songs, this is as doom-and-gloom as you can get. I don’t really know why I like this song in the first place, because the song is not one with a redeeming arc. Maybe because I empathize with the singer’s struggles, but unlike him, I don’t want to die regretfully.
  
  “…deprived of all his thoughts, the young man struggles on and on he’s known a vow unto his own, that never from this day his will they’ll take away…”

• Best I Ever Had (Vertical Horizon) – Ehem. Probably a controversial choice. Setting aside personal history, this is arguably the most depressing break up song I ever heard. How can your heart not go “ouch…” when you hear the words “but it’s not so bad, you’re only the best I ever had…”?
  
  “…and it may take some time to patch me up inside, but I can’t take it so I ran away and hide…”

• Fly (Jars Of Clay) – I love this song even before I knew what it alluded to, and I love it even more for its meaning. And like I often say, I like the word “Fly” because it means a lot of things for me: power, freedom and happiness.
  
  “…my tears like rain fill up the sky, oh, my love, I’m not letting go, I won’t let you go…”

• The Freshmen (Verve Pipe) – For the life of me, I cannot understand why I still listen (repeatedly) to a song that puts a sizable lump in my throat every time I hear it!
  
  
  “…for the life of me, I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and that we’d never compromise…”

• Crash Into Me (Dave Matthews Band) – This song made voyeurism fascinatingly sexy! Its appeal lies in how the singer strings the words together to make it sound like a sweet love song. Which it probably is, but I feel it is too sexy to be considered sweet. But maybe sexy can also be sweet? I don’t know, all I know is that this is a sweet, sexy rock song!
  
  “…you wear nothing but you wear it so well, tied up and twisted the way I’d like to be…”
  
  

Go post your own top 10 and tell me about it!

Token World Cup Post

Congrats Italy!

uh, hopefully I'll muster enough interest to watch the next World Cup religiously! =p

swoon-worthy

cool, nerdy me?

The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test

Modern, Cool Nerd

69% Nerd, 60% Geek, 30% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area of subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn't used to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic". The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgeable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the ones you want as your lifeline in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks!).

(see the full results of this survey HERE!)

I'm a nerd! But I'm cool! Can you believe that?!

Playing Hooky!

For the second time this season, I went out and watched the first game of the PBA All-Filipino Cup Finals at the Araneta Coliseum between the Red Bull Barakos and Purefoods Chunkee Giants. (The first time was also the first game of the Finals – Reinforced Conference, also between Red Bull and Purefoods) What made both experiences exciting and memorable aside from the actual games is that I watched the games behind my bosses’ backs! Okay, it’s probably an irresponsible thing to do, making up excuses to take a (totally deserved) leave just to watch a basketball game, so just forget about these issues first and let me talk about my experience!

You’re probably wondering: why did I watch the Finals games when Ginebra didn’t even figure in both Finals? I am actually supporting Red Bull, which is a curious thing, considering that the person I watched the game with was supporting Purefoods! Ah, and now you’re wondering why I am supporting Red Bull. No, I haven’t forgotten that it was Celino Cruz who made that game-winning shot against Ginebra that sent Red Bull to the Finals last conference. No, I haven’t forgotten that it was Red Bull, again, who dashed Ginebra’s hopes of making it to the semis this season. No, I haven’t forgotten how Lordy Tugade seemed more “mayabang” (and more “magaling”) every time Red Bull played Ginebra. No, I haven’t forgotten any of these, but I also haven’t forgotten that Cyrus Baguio plays for Red Bull and that for me is reason enough.

(It didn’t help that the only time I’ll ever support Purefoods is if they’re playing against Alaska. My mantra had always been anybody-but-Alaska – and anybody-but-Purefoods-except-when-they’re-playing-against-Alaska. Hahaha. My apologies to my friends who support any of these two teams. Feel free to flame me in the comments section!)

Now back to our scheduled blabbing.

We had floor seats – and by floor seats I mean that the only thing separating us from the players’ bench is the hardcourt itself! We were that close that you can grab the players inbounding (I know this isn’t a proper word!) the ball. (Not that I had grabbed anyone, though I had to exercise severe self-control not to! *cough*Baguio*cough*). I had contemplated going incognito by wearing a cap but I think it would just draw more attention to me. Luckily, the cameras are behind us so the most you could see of us in TV were our heads.

First game was the battle for third between Alaska Aces and San Miguel Beermen. Ha! Piece of cake. I am rooting for San Miguel, no questions asked. Unfortunately, the Aces won, backed by superb performances from Mike Cortez and Jeffrey Cariaso. Ah, Cariaso and his number. So much memories. Hahaha. Kidding!

It was the first time I noticed that every time a team calls for time-out, four security personnel would stand guard on the four corners of the court. Funny thing, though, is that one of the security personnel chose to stand not on the corners (like the other three) but right smack to where a team was huddled, as if he was trying to join the huddle! (Can’t blame him, though, for I would have done the same thing hahaha!)

So after the explosive opening ceremonies, players’ intro, ceremonial jumpball, the main event begins! Wait, you don’t expect me to give you a blow by blow account of the game itself, do you? Let me just recount bits and pieces of the action (and some of my thoughts) last night:

• The fun thing about supporting Red Bull is that you get to root for the underdog, popularity-wise. My gimmick-mate is a rabid Purefoods fan, and so are the couple seating next to me, the people behind us, and about two-thirds of those at the Big Dome. My previous experiences in watching live PBA games are that I’m with the crowd (since Ginebra is arguably the most popular PBA team). It was a different feeling when you’re cheering for a, well, unpopular team, and your cheers get booed, only for the crowd to be silenced by your team via a well-timed dunk or a dramatic three-point shot. More so when you’re the solitary Red Bull supporter pumping her fist at the courtside area! (the other Red Bull fans were seated near Red Bull’s bench while we were seated opposite Purefoods’ bench).

• I watched the game because I love the sport and not merely for the eye candy. I am a sports enthusiast first and foremost. Being a fangirl is a distant second. That’s why I was excited to be seating so near the hardcourt because I get to hear the point guards and coaches issuing instructions, players cheering for their teammates and thrash-talking the opposing players (ang sama ko di ba?!) and basically to see the game at almost the same vantage point as those who are playing it. Well, my love for the game didn’t prevent me from bringing a pentel pen (just in case I can sneak an autograph) and from taking pictures of the players while they’re practicing (the pictures though, were a bit disappointing. how am I supposed to snap a good pic when they’re moving so much?!). I was so, so tempted to scream out Baguio’s name (“Baguio! pa-picture naman!!!) so that I can take a decent shot of him looking in my direction (swoon!). I even called the Purefoods’ mascot to our side to ask if he could take a picture of Baguio for me (you read it right, I am asking the Purefoods mascot to take a picture of a Red Bull player. what does that make me?) but when the mascot approached us, I chickened out and decided to just take a picture of the mascot! What a waste of memory space! Anyway, the Purefoods mascot was cool because he interacted with the fans, unlike Red Bull’s who did nothing but just sit at a corner.
• 
• Tugade was looking all kinds of cute last night, primarily because he was so good. I can’t work out my feelings for him. He is such a smug a** but I can’t help but cheer for him when he shoots the lights out at the Big Dome. Love him or hate him? I'm starting to feel both. Help! (But honestly? The “Lord of the Rings”? What kind of a moniker is that?!)

• 

• Baguio looked so intense. He got my attention way back in college when he donned UST Growling Tigers’ colors and made a reputation for himself as a high-leaper. Too bad that Nino Gelig and him failed to lift the Tigers to a UAAP championship. Gelig continues to underachieve, but Baguio, so far, had been consistent (although his game last night was nowhere near satisfying to me). You would think I had enough of Baguio since I got to see him back in college on an almost daily basis (although I never got to act all fangirly over him because I had a BF then!). But “UST Varsity Player” is not in the same league as “PBA player” (and a starting five at that) and Baguio, in my eyes, is the most attractive guy at the Big Dome (I am shallow that way.) Whenever he gets anywhere near where I’m sitting, I would make this almighty sigh and say “hay, so close yet so far…”

• My cheers for Red Bull were always punctuated with my own nasty comments like: “Ang yabang mo, Lordy!”; “Syet ka, Celino Cruz!!!”, “Shut up, Topex!”, “Enrico bano!”, “Go Diego!” (referring to Junthy Valenzuela. Hey, it wasn’t my idea! It was another Purefoods fan who screamed that and I thought it was funny! And cruel. I’m bad.). And you wonder why I support this team when I thrash talk its players as much (or more than) the opposing team. I can really be weird sometimes. Well, it’s like what I said: Baguio.is.reason.enough.

• But the real reason why I’m supporting Red Bull is that the team is like Ginebra in some ways. I like my basketball games fast, action-packed and most likely to result to a bench-clearing brawl, and both Red Bull and Ginebra rise magnificently to the occasion. But by some stroke of bad luck, I have yet to witness a live PBA game when players play like boxers or wrestlers hahaha! (The only game I had watched that had some semblance of a ruckus was a UAAP game between UST and La Salle when the UST crowd threw things on the court. It was UST’s finest hour.) So, not only am I weird but I’m also nasty. Bwahahahah. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that I appreciate intense games and intense players and both Red Bull and Ginebra had given me that (most especially when it’s Red Bull vs. Ginebra!).

• Another thing I noticed last night was that the players take care of each other at the court, not just their own teammates but also those from the opposing team. They try to cushion a player’s fall, they contort their bodies so that they can do the least damage when they collide to another player, those sort of thing you normally don’t notice on TV - and when you’re actually wishing for deliberate fouls!

• Even if I grew up in a male-dominated environment, there are still some things I’ll never really understand about men and basketball is one of them. When cynicism sets in, I wonder why grown up men in shorts and sleeveless shirts fighting over some ball could capture a man’s full attention and devotion. I wonder why the said grown up men get so intense over making a Hail Mary shot, a power dunk, and why they can’t seem to figure out that knee high socks look so ridiculous. Sometimes I wanted to enter a basketball player’s mind and heart to see what they are thinking and feeling at such highly intense situations (and how they decide that they want to use headbands as accessories rather than armbands). I sort of find it supremely cheesy when coaches talk about how they motivate their team or how their game plans were inspired by watching films like Braveheart and reading The Art of War. (It didn’t help that I had watched an episode of Slamball and they’ve once shown a dug-out huddle and the coach drew a heart on the whiteboard and started banging his heart while repeatedly saying “Heart! Heart!” as a way to motivate his players) Men – such lovely and enigmatic creatures.

Purefoods drew first blood and won Game 1, but Red Bull gave them a good run for their money. This is going to be an exciting series! Yeng Guiao had hinted that he might retire, but that he wanted to add an All-Filipino championship to his belt. Let’s see if his “bataan” would respond to his wishes. Go Red Bull!

(You might also be wondering why I haven’t talked much about (or even mention the name of) the person I was with. Let’s just say I am not the only one playing hooky hahaha! What made the whole experience infinitely more memorable is that even if we’re supporting different ballclubs, it was still a fun experience for both of us. So will my partner in crime please stand up? =D)

Who is the guy with that slow, sweet smile?

I got a jolt of recollection about this prose when I answered this meme. Luckily (or unluckily, depending on how you look at it!), I was able to keep a copy. Please excuse the grammar and the supreme cheesiness! Bata pa 'ko ng sinulat ko 'to!

To answer the question - it doesn't refer to any particular guy (honest!). Since high school, I already had this idea that my dream guy should have that slow, sweet smile. Yuck, mushy talaga. Add to that my thing for romantic scenes involving mango trees (which, in turn, was inspired by the song Kanlungan) and rain, friendships that turn into love, and my totally-lacking-in-imagination description of a kiss (bata pa nga kasi di ba?). Ohmygosh. What was I thinking then?!

Anyway here it is. Sniggering and barfing are allowed.

In My Dreams

It was raining so hard. I found you standing in the rain, all drenched and wet. Just like me. I stared at you. And then your eyes met mine. We gaze at each other for quite some time. And then you smile, that slow, sweet smile. It was the first time you smiled at me. It was the first time we met...

Since then, we started hanging around with each other's company. I like you and it seems that the feeling is mutual. I can't remember how many times you flashed me your slow, sweet smile. That certain smile... the smile that brought joys to my heart. And those soulful eyes, those eyes that stare at me as if it has some deep, dark secrets to tell. And how can I forget those kissable lips of yours? Many times you caught me staring at you. It's because I've always wanted to tell you that I care, that I love you. But I could never tell you. I couldn't reveal my feelings. I'm afraid to tell you the truth because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

Once while we are walking, it rained again. We got caught in it and we're drenched all over. You reminded me of that very first moment that we met (how can I ever forget?). You smiled again that slow, sweet smile of yours that set my heart on fire. We walked together for a while and then, there at the mango tree we stopped. You took my hand and whispered to my ears those three words that I had been longing to hear: "I love you". It left me speechless. I was shocked; I was simply overjoyed. I never expected, not once in my life, that you would tell me that. And you meant every word you said because I see it there in your eyes. Slowly, you lower your face until it was level with mine. Our eyes held for a while in silent communication. I close my eyes and I feel your face move closer until it is inches away from mine. Until your lips is just a breath away from mine. Until it touches my lips. Until you kiss me...

Suddenly, it was morning again. I had awakened from my sleep that had visions of you. I had dreamed of you. Again. Just like last night. Just like the other nights. How I wish my dreams would never end so that I can be with you longer, forever. But I have to face reality. You're just the man in my dreams, in my visions. The man I have always cared for but could never be mine. Will never be mine. That's the truth and I have to accept it no matter how much it hurts.

It was raining so hard. I found you standing in the rain, all drenched and wet. Just like me. Just like in my dreams. Only this time, it's for real. I stared at you. You never stared back at me. And then I caught sight of a girl standing beside you, all drenched and wet. Just like you and just like me. You were holding her hand and having the time of your life as the rain slowly fall down on you. And then you smile, that slow, sweet smile. But it wasn't for me. It was for her. It broke my heart. How I wish you smiled at me instead. How I wish you stared at me. How I wish our eyes met and we become friends. How I wish it would all be like in my dreams...

I was actually cringing while typing this. Yuuuucck talaga...

I hate you, Dennis Trillo!

Dennis Trillo has no right to be so handsome!

I watched Majika last night for its snark-value, but I found myself transfixed by the sight of Dennis telling Angel Locsin "hindi ko hahayaang masaktan ang mga taong malapit sa puso mo..." (or something like that). Damn! He had the stupidest costume I've ever seen but I'm swooning all over him.

Dennis Trillo has no business being on my TV if he's turning his charm to megawatt capacity! What am I supposed to do with that?!!

A Morning Kiss

I woke up to your kiss and the soft patter of rain against the roof. I kissed you back, we hugged, we laughed

and I said “I love you”

and you took my hand and pulled me outside. And the rain kissed our face and the grass felt soft on my feet. And I rested my head on your shoulder, on the space that was my shelter and my hiding place and it made me feel safe and warm all over. And you started tickling me because you had always loved the sound of my laughter. And I would put this mock make-face because you irritated me but you always knew I am just trying to catch your attention. And you would laugh and laugh and tickle me more and chase me around the house

and it all felt so good, so tender, so alive!

Every morning was like that. Every morning was a gift, every morning that I wake to your presence gave me reason to live.


I woke up to the kiss of the sunlight on my face and the silent tears from last night. I kissed the frame of my memories, I cried, I prayed

and I said “I love you”

as if you could still hear me. And I tried to laugh so many times so that you could hear it, too, but the sound died on my lips, slain by the inescapable cry of my soul. And the sky is crying with me as I searched for that space, my shelter. And I felt your ghostly presence but it wasn’t enough, it was never enough. And the room felt so enormous yet it suffocated me

and it all felt so quiet, so cruel, so empty!

and every morning I await for the gift that someday would be mine, the gift that would take me to endless mornings and sunny days and rainy days. To the place where you are waiting for me. And then we’ll kiss, we’ll hug, we’ll laugh

and I will say “I love you”.

Why I Am A Bad Person

So Manny Pacquiao won. You know what, I half wished he would lose, just so I can see ABS-CBN struggle with forced humility.

You’ll probably say I’m unpatriotic. But if you know me, you would know that I had been a big supporter of Pacquiao, of our athletes, and I had been as proud as everyone else in their victories and as saddened as everyone else in their defeats.

I just hate this affair, this commodifying (is that a word?) of Pacquiao, this milking of profits in the guise of nationalistic pride.

Ang yabang yabang ng ABS-CBN. But if you had only a few things to be proud of, I guess the natural tendency for some is to rub it in to everyone else.

So you have the rights to air his fight, big deal. But I don’t need to see every talent of your station greet Pacquiao on his victory on a show biz talk show program. Stars congratulating the people’s champ does not make his victory more special, it only trivializes his achievements.

Why do I even bother? Like you give a shit to whatever I say.